Re: Dads Changing/bathing Babies...weird?

Tonglen guy · Tonglen guy on Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:02 pm

Angel wrote:Agreed,he did offer BUT,to be honest,I am not doing too badly with the housework and if it were to make any differenc,ehalf a day a week would not help,it would have to be full time.Also I dont want anyone messing with my laundy (Long time child hood phobia,wont go into deats) so no one can help with thay.besides I dot ind laundry,t's really just cooking,the kitchen and the kdis that I need help with if anythingI manage w=quite well if we have a slobby day or 3 it's not the end of the world!

I just wish he would take some initiative sometimes!

Hmmmm.... "not doing too badly" sounds as if a respite might be a good thing. If you need more help, like full time, go for it even for six months.

I'm hearing resistance to something that could take stuff off your shoulders for a temporary time. Is it really so important to resist some help? Sure, he needs to take more initiative - but that may be a gradual thing.

In the meantime, if help is expensive it will send him a message that kind of answers the "what do you do all day anyway" question that some hubbies find themselves asking, (of course, immediately recognizing their mistake - a bit like realizing that a cup of gasoline and a lit fire don't mix, just as the eyebrows disappear).

Give yourself a break - it's OK! Hire someone to cook dinner! It's OK! You work hard and if there is a way for you to lighten the load a bit, then lighten it!

24Penguins · 24Penguins on Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:25 pm

Tonglen guy wrote:In the meantime, if help is expensive it will send him a message that kind of answers the "what do you do all day anyway" question that some hubbies find themselves asking, (of course, immediately recognizing their mistake - a bit like realizing that a cup of gasoline and a lit fire don't mix, just as the eyebrows disappear).

LMAO!!!

but seriously, i wish more guys had the same perspective as you TG! DF told me flat out once that if was a SAHM he would prolly resent me, even if the house was clean, dinner was on the table, the laundry was all done and put up, and the kids were happy when he got home from work!!! i couldnt believe that, lol needless to say we had a lovely discussion on the subject!!

i think hes starting to see my side of things a bit now cause i just had my surgery, so he is having to play my role on top of working (although he hasnt been back to work yet, but he goes back tomorrow lol). now that hes having to do all the baths AND all the diaper changes, plus feeding her and everything else, and take her to daycare and pick her up in the afternoons, and then try and get the dishes and laundry done and make food (lol, hes got a real good grilled cheese...) i think hes starting to see what i do everyday and why it doesnt all get done.

but really IMO i can see both sides of the whole hiring a maid thing. i mean no way can we afford it, but if we could i would be slightly embarrassed. i mean we are not really that messy, but i still feel like i would have to go through the whole house and get everything completely cleaned up first and then hire someone for maintenance. LOL i dont know why, i shouldnt care what a maid thinks of me, i mean thats what they get paid to do, but still i wouldnt want them to come in and think im some slob. then i would feel weird that they were cleaning up our messes like i should be doing it. i suppose its something you get used to, but it would def. be awkward for me in the beginning at least.

**Angel** · **Angel** on Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:41 pm

bollocks!I didnt send my post by accident ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH :angry:

24Penguins · 24Penguins on Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:42 pm

awwww!!! i HATE it when i do that and hit the wrong button or something and my post gets deleted!! it only ever happens when youve written out a book too, lol like it never happens to a one line response where it would be easy to retype it.

mscherry42 · mscherry42 on Tue Oct 14, 2008 8:49 am

DF has already told me that if we were "rich" we still wouldn't hire a maid. He said nobody should be in our house cleaning what we should be. Hell, if I am ever "rich" in the sense, that money is no longer an issue for pretty much anything, we're getting a maid. Just because I'll want a much bigger house and I hate dusting! But, I can see his point. But, we both work full time, and I don't cook on the days that I work, period! So, if we afford someone to do light upkeep housework and have dinner waiting when we get home, I'm all for it. We're not slobs, far from it, but it would so help.

Tonglen guy · Tonglen guy on Tue Oct 14, 2008 9:18 am

mscherry42 wrote:I totally agree. He needs to act like a parent, and just suck it up. The more he does it, the more normal it will become. Contrary to popular male belief, we're not born with the instinct to like changing pissy and sh*tty diapers on sons or daughters!!

I agree, except for the part about "popular male belief." Not necessarily so. The truth is likely to be more that neither of us is born with that instinct, but its something that gets done because well, it has to be done. When you're thinking about the baby, all this other stuff ("ewwww... never saw that color before") is basically irrelevant. If he focuses on how good it must feel for the kid to have a clean, dry and powdered bottom, it'll make all the difference.

Sounds like he's never had any care taking experience and all of a sudden he's in over his head. He needs to build confidence that he can do it and, no, there's nothing weird about making sure a two month old daughter's vulva is clean. He's now a parent and that is a parent's responsibility.

He could use some parenting guidance. Men are conditioned to "never" need or ask for help. It's one of the stupid things expected of us since we were old enough to talk. Well, sometimes we do need help. There are workshops all over the place for new parents and if he went to one, I bet he'd find other new fathers there as well. Don't be pissed at him, but do whatever you can to help him grow into his new role.

mscherry42 · mscherry42 on Tue Oct 14, 2008 9:22 am

TG,
I like that idea about new fathers classes. DF caught on quickly, but he has not qualms about asking for help, hell, I think he's mastered it with me! But, yeah, they could go together, if her DH is willing.

24Penguins · 24Penguins on Tue Oct 14, 2008 10:26 am

thats a really cool way to look at it TG. im glad DF will ask for help with the baby stuff lol!! i mean, he wont really ask for help with anything else!!! hahaha, hes a typical guy though lol

**Princess_Longbottom** · **Princess_Longbottom** on Tue Oct 14, 2008 11:35 am

My DH was really worried about changing a little girl..... but now he's fine with it. He gives her a bath every night as well.

I wish your Hubby would get over it Angel. However... I think that his mother and grandmother just did everything for him, and he doesn't know any different. He needs to change her diaper, and then he will see it's not a biggy.

Great topic Angel Smile/happy

**Angel** · **Angel** on Tue Oct 14, 2008 12:21 pm

Tonglen guy wrote:
mscherry42 wrote:I totally agree. He needs to act like a parent, and just suck it up. The more he does it, the more normal it will become. Contrary to popular male belief, we're not born with the instinct to like changing pissy and sh*tty diapers on sons or daughters!!

He could use some parenting guidance. Men are conditioned to "never" need or ask for help. It's one of the stupid things expected of us since we were old enough to talk. Well, sometimes we do need help. There are workshops all over the place for new parents and if he went to one, I bet he'd find other new fathers there as well. Don't be pissed at him, but do whatever you can to help him grow into his new role.

Well,before baby girl was born they had a "new daddys'evening at toys r us,free where they teach the basics of diaper changing,I suggested it,offered to go and he politely insinuated that he didnt need to.I ALSO bought him a book called the expectant father...He flipped through it and never picked it up again.I was SO pissed.

24Penguins · 24Penguins on Tue Oct 14, 2008 12:30 pm

lol angel i remember that class at toys r us, i was so pissed cause we missed it and then there wasnt another one till way after kaydance was born!!! haha. but i never bothered to get him a book cause unless its a car magazine and hes in the bathroom its not gonna get looked at LOL!

crazymomwife · crazymomwife on Wed Nov 19, 2008 12:15 pm

From experience I will tell you. My husband was so relieved for some reason when our first was a boy. Then he admitted at first it was still wierd for him to change his diaper. Truthfully that was only until he did it a few times. So when our fourth came and she was a girl, he was all wierded out again. He was really nervous, just simply thought it would be odd. But again, he dove right in, and he admits now theres no difference. He says its all equally discusting! So.....what in my opinion, the excuses he is giving, are working for him, because he doesn't have to try, I really sadly but whole heartedly was like, get over it! Smile/happy

And he did. I look at it this way. When they come out of us, its like they simply are an extentsion of our own bodies, that is why it doesn't seem to be anything for us to change them. I still get really grossed out changing other peoples kids!! I have no idea why!! But it just is! I have four you would think I could get passed that but whatever.

Anyway, maybe sharing those kinds of experience with your husband, that other men have felt the same way, and that even women feel that way sometimes, and that if he just does it a few times, he will realize it is simply a task to be done!

Crystal

**Princess_Longbottom** · **Princess_Longbottom** on Wed Nov 19, 2008 12:43 pm

He He, Crystal, Justin was so freaked out to change LM at first. His boss at the time had just had a baby girl, and he was telling him all this stuff about how he won't change her, that it is so weird and blah blah blah. Well, DH was saying that he didn't want to change her ever, but in the hospital he just started doing it! In fact, I don't think I changed a diaper until she was about 3 days old. He said that it's no biggie, he changes her all the time now. I think they just have to get over that initial fear of the unknown!

Tenshii · Tenshii on Sun Oct 11, 2009 5:28 pm

Heya. I think it is very important for you to find out what your husband feels regarding all this and go from there. If he works 50 hours a week that's good for him, it doesn't matter if it from home or work. But you cannot start choosing and picking what you want and don't want to do if you're a SAHM. With that position you need to be on top of everything. And even with the current job choices, disregarding the work permit issue (lol..) It is only your choice whether you wish to work or not. Just because he says you don't have to, doesn't mean anything. What if you get in debt or he looses his job? How long will you be able to depend on family? Also, some of his issues sound like being babied all his life. Aside from that you both need to be able to sit down like the adults you are and discuss these things.

dolly's momma · dolly's momma on Sun Oct 11, 2009 8:08 pm

Ok, I am chiming in a little late here, but Lucy's daddy started changing her diapers first thing in the hospital, and he does alot when he is home to this day. We have an agreement - evening poopy diapers are HIS to change lol. Seriously, because I ripped open some of my staples he did almost everything diaper and bathwise the first month or so. Now he still gives her a bath once a week. He's 43 and he doesn't mind a bit. He never went to any classes. One of the nurses showed him a few things in the hospital, and he watched them give her the very first bath and he just ran with it from there. It was funny the first few months, at her well baby checkups he had many detailed questions for the doctor about the texture and color and consistancy of her poop. The poor doctor couldn't convince him it varies and its just a good thing it comes out regularly lol.

Being the spoiled person I am, I will admit it. We have cleaners who come once every other week. When I had my business they came every week, now we just do every other. They do the deeper cleaning. I have enough problems keeping up with the clutter, I am happy they are there. And you will be relieved to know they don't do laundry. Or dishes.