On going feud...

(((holi)))
I don't know what I can say to help you but just know that I am thinking of you.

Well,things stepped up a notch last night.I was kinda down all day,looking at these liver clinics,trying to get some nice doctor just to talk to me.No one would.You have to make a $120 appointment and go in. sigh...Anyway,one secretary was pretty mean to me which set it off.Then hubby comes home with (now 8 instead of 7) pints and everything is ok at first.He turns the basketball on as usual and I decide that I couldnt watch itso without being mean or anything I said to him that I was going up to read my book.I went and shortly after he came and got me and said he had put something else on so that I could come downstairs.I went down,we hung out,things were cool.Then at one point,he went into the kitchen and looked all pissed off,he started cleaning it.Well let me just say that yesterday,I spent an hour cleaning the kithen,running the dishwasher,wiping the surfaces and mopping the floors,so the night before I had left it lean.Yesterday,I had not clened up after myself or DH or anyone,so once again (so quickly) the place had become littered with plates,trash,and drink cans.It builds up so quick.I know I cleaned it the day before yest as my neighbour was there talking to me as I did it.I didnt make it all sparkley but it would have passed in most people books for a clean kitchen.I told hubby this and he said I was lying ??? He said I hadbt cleaned it,WTF did I do all day?he busted his ass,this house looks like a GD crack house (it's really NOT that bad) and that he works so hard and what do I do? He has never held this against me before,I told him he resents me and what does he want me to do,I mentioned the deal that HE made about me making more of an effort with the house and him making an effort to not drink.

He said he stopped (after 2 days) because he knew I 'd fail.In the past he has said 'hey you SUCK at cleaning,"I" suck at cleaning,it[s just not y9our thing,don't worry about it,dont take it personally' Well I alwyas have and will take it perosnally because it's something I want to accomplish,but being told I suck every day is really wearing me down.I know it's not an excuse,if anythign it should make me even more determined to do it.But I find it so hard with the baby always wanting me,I only manage to do one thing each day like a laundry day,then I cant put it all up,I just manage to wash n dry it.Or clean the kitchen (which gets instantly messed up) or last night I vaccumed the lounge...anyway...it's hard for me.

So we were fighting and arguing about him drinking,me cleaning the maids that came over one day and washed all he floors,blindscupboards but really didnt' and wouldnt contribute to the real problem which is our clutter/clothes,cups etc...they dont do laundry and wont touch the kitchen.

He started again with the name calling and said he was going to a hotel,(Oh by the way he ALSO expects me to take the babies AGAIN to see his MIL this coming weekend) I told him if he goes then we are not going,me and the babies that is,he can go.I feel like we just got back,it screwed up everyone's routine etc...I was hoping for at least a 3 week break before we went back.Anyway,my brother and father are coming to stay with us next thursday from the UK.Our guest room is still full of boxes and odds and ends,the deal was DH waould help me last weekend but we both got sidetracked (or hungover?) and ended up him vegging on the couch ALL sunday and me doing what I do everyday aking care of the kids.Anyway,he was supposed to help me, and now he tells me that the last weekend before they arrive were going to dirve 4 hours away and stay the weekend to do 'mothers day' coz we wont be there for the real thing.I'm sorry to sound like a selfish bitch,but I could give a f**k about mothers day right now.FOr myself,for anyone.It's a commercial day that someone invented,not someones birthday,get over it.Or we could have sent a card and flowers.Anyway,back to the point,he was back to saying I suck and that I was stupid so,I got up and picked up a dish and smashed it on the floor,I said 'shall we just smash all the fucking dishes,then we won't have to wash em and I won't have to 'suck at taking care of them,' then I smashed another bowl,then a glass,right there in front of him.He asked me if I had lost my mind,I said I was SICK of being told that I sucked at it,even if I did I was TRYING he just didn't see the things I did all day because taking care of kids,making three meals or mor and changing diapers is not something you can ;see' but it was hard work none the less.

Anyway,after that,he yelled at me to go to bed.Got right in my face and almost blew me accross the room with the yell.I started crying and telling him I wasnt gonna do what he said.I grabbed the keys and he tried to take them from me and stop me going out.I won and got in the car.I just drove and drove for about an hour crying.I don't understand how things can go from so perfect (as long as I don't complain) us being all lovely dovey and hugging to this complete divorce material in the space of 4 hours.I don't know how to fix it,when I got back he had his stuff packed and tried to call as taxi to go to a hotel but couldnt get one on the phone,so he slept on the couch,woke up this morning and went to work.Don't know what he's gonna do now.I am still pissed off and hurt,I want to change,but I want him to fix himself before he criticises me for stupid things.I am still so naive to what he sais,I don't know if what happened is due to drinking or not.I know he didn't act really drunk.I am just so blah today...

Bloodly hell babe that was one hell of a night you had last night!! Would Chuck ever consider relationship councilling because I have ran out of sound advice for you, people can keep re-confirming that thing's have to change but I can't help but feel that is the obvious thing to say, it's actions you need rather than words now babe.

Angel I know we've never spoken about this but I wanted to say I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You certainly don't deserve that and should never have to deal with those insults, whether your house is perfectly sparkly clean or a complete pigsty! It doesn't matter what the house looks like in that there is never a reason that justifies what he's doing to you. It's not your fault and it is his issue entirely. I think it's admirable that you're working so hard to keep the house clean but that should be separate - you shouldn't have to keep a clean house in order for him to show you respect, like you need to earn that. No, you are precious and valuable and should be respected and treated well just because of who you are.

I hope that doesn't come across offensive in any way, it's JMO but I hurt for you reading your post and wish there was a way I could make it better.

sapphire wrote: No, you are precious and valuable and should be respected and treated well just because of who you are.

I love this sapphire! I couldn't agree more!

thanks girls.I feel so disloyal to him airing my dirty laundry on here.But there truth is,when we fight,I don't feel like I can win.He states his thoughts on me and my actions/words as though they are fact and he's so often not right like;
'you dont want to visit my mum and grandma coz you don't like them,just say it' no matter how much one protests he's said that and it's out there and you feel like your going against some factual statement he's made.Or maybe he's just good at convincing.

I found a website yesterday,it's www.neillneill.com and it seems to be interesting and relevent to us,it helps women who live with alcoholics find methods of coping for themselves.although he does sometimes say,if it's that bad then you have to leave.I don't feel endanger or that my kids are and I certainly don't want to give up.I want to find a solutin.

One good thing happened yesterday when we talked and it was him saying 'I know I have to change some things too (meaning the drinking)
so I said 'well what can I do to help?'
he said 'find me a non religious AA or something'
so..that is my mission today.Finding one of those.Not sure where/how I'll find one but we'll see.Thanks so much for your support.Oh and by the way Georgi,I would like councelling but it's affording it thats the issue.I would deffinately like a mediator to translate what we mean at each other.Thats the biggest problem thqat I see.

Angel- I've only just read this. RIDICULOUS. You have a right to be happy. Chuck is dead wrong. He needs AA desperately. I understand that he isn't religious, but AA isn't like going to church. It's about focusing on a higher power to help you change. That higher power can be anything you want. If the fact that he thinks AA is religious is what is stopping him... that's a lame excuse.

I love you sweetie. Please know that. He is an alcoholic. He needs help. He is a good person but not when he drinks. People with substance abuse issues always think that they can still continue on with the substance as long as they limit themselves. The problem is... they never seem to manage to limit themselves.

You do not need to go see his mother every month. Have her come to you. It's much more difficult to uproot two kids from their schedules and environment then for her to come see you.

Don't feel guilty for doing what ever you need to do to get the happy life that you want.

I am here for you.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

These people claim to be a non religious alcoholic support group.
http://rational.org/index.php

OMG,I wrote a HUGE long post thanking you all and saying how I got through on the phone to dr neill himself and he was so kind and helpful,he suggested sevral things without being judgemental.I respec thim so much,he has lost kids to alchohol related illnesses and he aproaches each matter I presnted with a calm,rational and helpful and thoughtful response.I was stunned that I got him on the phone and not some assistant or answering service.Anyway.I adressed ALL of your recent responses but it took me a long time to write,and I have to go and make kiddy dinner in a minute.but I just wanted to say,my hubby is not a monster,I feel guilty for making it sound so bad when we have such good times.But I thank you all for your ongoing support,kind words and loyalty to someone you havnt met in person,you are all so sweet.I feel so bad for making a huge deal out of this.I just feel so much better when I write it all down.I really appreciate you all taking the time to repsond,even as it's hard to know what to say so thanks girls I love you all and you mean so much to me



I now have some more info for hubby to go through.I hope to talk to him tongiht but he is having a hard day with some server problem,if he's not too tired then I will,but he didnt' sleep last night so we'll see.

Also,he wants to go to MIL"s house tommorow night.My dad n brother are coming to stay from the UK next thurs,we don't have beds,there are still boxes everywhere and I have SO much to do,taking 2-3 days off to visit seems pretty bad idea to me right now,plus it feels like we just got back and I don't want to have to go to the house where MIL smokes all the time (despite repeated requets from hubby for her to do it outside while we stay there) and 6 of us sleeping in a 2 bed house,the worst being the 4 hour drive,which leaving later on the way is not a HUGE deal but leaving earlier on the way back (coz hubby doesnt want to get back at midnight) caused the baby to nap for an hour and scream pretty much the rest of the way back.SO,I know I'll get grief for it,but I think I'll just have to stay this time,get things ready,have my dad and brother here and then when they're gone.Have a weekend over there.I wish wish wish they would come here but they'll find an excuse not to...dogs/cat ("Ive looked into dog sitting /walking it's $27 a day not expensive and they dont have to pay for a hotel) we specifically got the bathroom downstair with gma in mind,and it's a LOT less hard for them to drive 4 hours as it is for me to mobilise our small family,all the packing and crap we have to bring is ridiculous!

Anyway..sorry to bitch about unrelated stuff,bet it seems like all I do is complain lately,sorry!

hugs xxxxxxxxxxxx

OK,well we have spoken again last night about many of our issues and it seems at last and at least for now,things have calmed down and we are back to being 'us' Phew!