Some things can't be undone...

Holi I'm sorry that it was so short-lived. It's unfortunately a really typical pattern for there to be a 'honeymoon' phase after an incident like there was, when he apologizes and wants to change. It's just time before it happens again because unless he gets some serious help, it will just keep happening. Sometimes the cycle could last months before repeating, or sometimes it can be days. You've got to be really careful. I think all the suggestions that were said earlier about getting help for yourself are still important, even if it's a good day with him.

It really, really wasn't your fault. There's no way that the choices you made, even if you threw the beer, would deserve or cause the reaction from him. There's absolutely no way it's your fault, it just doesn't matter what you did because you never, ever deserve to be treated that way.

We love you Holi!

sapphire wrote:Holi I'm sorry that it was so short-lived. It's unfortunately a really typical pattern for there to be a 'honeymoon' phase after an incident like there was, when he apologizes and wants to change. It's just time before it happens again because unless he gets some serious help, it will just keep happening. Sometimes the cycle could last months before repeating, or sometimes it can be days. You've got to be really careful. I think all the suggestions that were said earlier about getting help for yourself are still important, even if it's a good day with him.

It really, really wasn't your fault. There's no way that the choices you made, even if you threw the beer, would deserve or cause the reaction from him. There's absolutely no way it's your fault, it just doesn't matter what you did because you never, ever deserve to be treated that way.

We love you Holi!

thanks hun.Love you too!

Again and again,thanks all for your support anmd kind words.Nika,I will bear in mind what you said! thanks

As for us,we have talked and he has admitted loads of things.Long story short he wants to see a shrink.I hope it helps,may take some time,but he knows and realisez that I meant what I said,so we'll see.I do love him and he is a lovely person.Just someone else when he drinks.I domn't think he realized HOW different he was/is when he does,I'l keep you guys posted!xxx

OMG Angel, I am so sorry you have been going through this. I honestly had no idea hun

Unfortunately I have no suggestions as to how to deal with this situation, I honestly don't know what I would do and it's probably easy for me to say "well I would do this" or "I would do that" but it's so different when you are in that situation.

I really really hope he is sorry for what he put you through and not just ashamed of how he acted in front of the neighbours. YOU should be his priority, not what other people think of him. Once you lose respect for him that should mean alot more than what his neighbours think of him.

I have to agree with what has been said already, you can't change him, he has to want to change himself and it really doesn't matter what you say or do, unless he REALLY wants to change himself he isn't going to. You have to make him understand that if he doesn't change he WILL lose his family, that has to be reality for him and if he still choses booze over his family then I don't know what will work. You know yourself that this is not a good environment for your children and as they get older they will pick up on whats going off.

Holi you are a very strong woman and I really do hope you can both work this out. If he does manage to give up the booze he is going to need ALOT of love and support and I am sure you are up to the job, but if he can't do it then I think you both need to make some major decisions about your future.

im glad that he is going to go see a therapist holi! that is most definitely a step in the right direction. maybe the therapist might be better at getting the ideas you have been trying to in his head. i know that when me and charles went to our first couples counseling session, i was AMAZED at how well the woman got charles to open up, and he was talking freely about so many things. its so hard for me to do. and since then he has realized that things really do work out better in the end if you talk instead of clamming up and shutting down. i really hope that this is going to be a great thing for chuck and that he is doing it for the right reasons (for himself mainly!) and that this really makes some great changes in his life (which in turn will make more GREAT changes in your life!!)

well, hopefully soon we can at least hang out, get both our minds off our man troubles LOL!

OMG, Holi. I just read this through. I know that you and I talked on the phone recently, but to actually read it all written out is scary.

I am so sorry that he once again bought alcohol after he promised not to. That is so sad. I hope that seeing a counselor will help. I don't know if talking will be enough though, I think he needs some kind of rehab, I'm just being honest.

Did you get that book I told you about? A Million Little Pieces? It's an amazing book. The author who wrote it about himself is also like Chuck and didn't want anything religious when he was dealing with his addiction... but found a way through it anyway. They author is James Frey.

I hope you get things sorted hon. I love you. Call me any time.

xxxxxxxx

Princess_Longbottom wrote:Did you get that book I told you about? A Million Little Pieces? It's an amazing book. The author who wrote it about himself is also like Chuck and didn't want anything religious when he was dealing with his addiction... but found a way through it anyway. They author is James Frey.

I heard that book was good, one of Oprah's chosen books. I was going to buy it at a yard sale once, but the lady wouldn't give me a price and I don't do the yard saling thing, so I just left it there.

I missed the updates last week to this thread.....Glad to hear he wants to see a therapist. I don't want to say this, but I hope it's just not another empty promise to make things better. Has he followed through on this yet? I don't mean to be preachy, but it's like the 12-step program of AA says, he needs to admit that he is powerless over alcohol. Have you looked in to Alanon for youself? I really think it could help you.

Reading through the other posts reminded me of a time with my ex-boyfriend. I didn't throw beer at him, but I did steal it all after he passed out and threw the glass bottles out my car window one by one as I drove from his house. Yeah, probably not the brightest thing to do either. Hope that makes you smile at least a little.

hehe,ys beth it made me smile...not sure if he will follow through...will update more when I get back from TN

Holi.
I don't know how I missed this thread when I got back from vacation. I'm so sorry you're still going through this. I too do not think you were wrong. Hell, I actually wish you had actually hit him with the beer. I witnessed my mom's abusive relationship with my dad when I was a kid, and it sucked. It never got better. And he was one of those men who seldom cried. But, when he felt that my mom was at her breaking point, he mustered up some tears. The first few times, they got to her too, but eventually she realized that his man tears no longer affected her, and that his surface remorse was not enough to keep her around. I'm scared for you. He sounds a bit more aggressive than he was in the past when he drank. Just be care, Holi. As a mother, I must ask you this, if Tia Li were going through this with her husband, what would be your advice to her? I ask this because if it's not acceptable for our daughters to have to go through, then it's not for us either. Hugs to you, and you will be in my prayers.