Your Opinions on Surrogacy

So I never thought I'd entertain the thought of having a surrogate mother have our child but the thought has popped into my head more than once in the past several months.

Over the weekend it happened again with kinda sorta an offer to us.

So we have these friends J. and M. They are younger than me and MrG. but got married 3 weeks after us, so their 7year anniversary is coming up. They have a 9 year old daughter (unplanned), a 5 (6 in Dec) year old son (planned) who my husband adores, and a just turned 2 daughter (also unplanned). After the birth of their second daughter M. got her tubes tied. I think both daughters were conceived when condoms broke. MrG and I always joked about what the heck were they doing to break a condom?!

Anyway, at a wedding this weekend (J's sister's), M (who was quite tipsy at the time) said that for $10,000 she'd get her tubes untied and have us a baby. This is not the first time I've heard her say this, and she wasn't drunk the other time. The money is in part to pay for the surgery. She told me the other night that she was ready to make the same offer to our other friends except IUI then worked them and they had the twins (now almost 5 -- you've probably heard me talk about the twins before). I don't believe she is thinking IUI for herself either but that it would be her husband impregnanting her. So this baby, if she conceived, would be a full-sibling to her other three.

So please, honest opinions on this. Pros, cons, are-you-crazy?!, this-is-the-answer-you've-been-waiting-for -- anything you have to say, please!

It's entirely up to you, how do YOU feel about it?

I think your body is capable of getting pregnant, but I can understand the waiting game isn't a fun one. Is there any way that you could use your egg and hubby's sperm and use your friends womb to cook it? xxx

No Toffee, I think it's my egg that's the entire problem. If I could ever get a good enough egg, I think I could get pregnant. That's why I don't really think IVF is an option for me either.

I think you will get your own baby too,ask me this again in 2-3 years,but I am sure you wont need to xx

I too believe you will conceive on your own, Beth BUT, having said that, if you do entertain this idea, then maybe it doesn't have to be THIS person to do it, who wouldn't be using your hubby's sperm, but someone who WOULD do IUI and use his...just a thought...

I think that surrogacy is a WONDERFUL option and I think that its a very admirable offer of your friend. I wouldn't write it off for sure! I think any option for having a baby is a WONDERFUL idea. Because any baby that you have whether its biological or surrogate or adopted, will be YOUR baby, you will be his/her mommy forever no matter what. And they will love you unconditionally and you them, forever. I am a firm believer that you don't have to birth a child to love them with all of your heart. My step son is proof of that And he would tell you the same if you ever met him.

Hugs to you Beth and I really hope that you get the baby you so much want soon, no matter how he/she gets here XXXXX

skyllar, this exact same thought about it being their biological child has most definitely crossed my mind. How to handle our mutual friends? What to tell their children, particularly the 9 year old?

In this scenario, I guess it's not a surrogate pregnancy but really an adoption. Just the difference being that they would be having this child specifically for us and letting us privately adopt him or her. I have stressed to my husband now and previously, that we cannot BUY a child! We can pay someone's medical expenses, legal expenses, and gift her money afterwards, but you ARE NOT BUYING A CHILD! That's illegal. But there's ways around it, of course. MrG. has liked the idea of private adoption better since the mother could receive money rather than an agency. He has a point.

Ginny, thanks for you comments!

I agree with what the other ladies have posted already.
I think that you are going to be able to ave your own baby! You are getting SO close!
i think that the idea of adoption is something to consider. MY DH was adopted, as well as my mom and many other friends of mine. I think that is a very noble thing for your friend to want to be a surrogate for you. I would express the same concerns that you and others have - about the whole sibling issue. i think that would bother me and would be hard to explain to the children. I think it would be easier if it was Mr. G's sperm and one of your eggs, but I know you mentioned your eggs might be the issue.
It will all work out in the end how it is supposed to. I like how someone earlier mentioned God's timing. xo

Beth- to be honest i totaly agree with what Nicki has said. i too had my best frined tell me that if i couldnt fall, she would carry for me, which is such a wonderful offer, however if i did have to do it ( which i beleive is a great option) i also would prefer a stranger as you never know the problems it could cause when they give birth to their biological child or later in life. However im not saying its not an option, im simply just looking at it from "one" point of view, i personally would rather not have the "biologial" parents around all the time and with siblings etc.
I pray to god you will experience pregnancy yourself asi know you want so much and i do think you will, however if you do have a baby using other means, you will be a fantastic mother and father to that child and once they are yours there will be no difference, love is what makes a family, that baby will sure be one lucky baby.
i have had two foster families at work, spend 20 years TTc, fostered a child and fell pregnant within 5 months lol
Also another family at work have tried nearly all means to fall and have adopted a litle korean boy ( as the adoption process in Australia is SOOO LONG) and now thy are about to adopt another and they are the most wonderful parents it melts my heart watching them with him, he is one lucky child. Also im guessing its different in the States but Surrogacy is only legal in a couple of states here and the actually preson who gives birth is the legal one on thebirth cert still which i think is silly, is it diff in states?

xoxxoxo

sparkles, I'm really not sure of the legality of it all. I know like I said that "buying" a child is illegal but surrogacy is legal. I guess the legal issues surround the rights of the surrogate mother who may or may not also be the biological mother.

Actress Sarah Jessica Parker (Sex and the City) and actor husband Matthew Broderick had twins recently through a surrogate mother.

I am all for the idea of surrogacy -- but this really is not a case of surrogacy. I really think embarking on this with your friend's biological child has big potential to end up with alot of heartache for all involved. It really would be their child and if anything came up they would totally have all the rights and you would have none.

If I were you I would only do it with IVF of your husband's sperm. If you are not 100% sure your eggs are the problem I would encourage you to try the ivf and see what comes of it. If not I would still only be comfortable if it was your husbands sperm, and honestly a donated egg would be a better choice than having your friend carry her own biological child.

My niece has gone thru something similar to you. If I were 10 years younger I would have a child for her and her husband in a heart beat. But for my own sanity it would have to be someone else's egg. She wouldn't even have to get her tubes untied then?

I would be worried (JMO) that like DM sais,there would be complicattions,you waant to do this,but being your own egg n sperm could they really bear to let it go.I like the idea of doing it for someone but I just couldnt in my heart of hearts.If it was someone elses egg/sperm then well,thats different but,even then I wouldnt want to go through another pregnancy for me and get nothign at the end especially it's hard enough for me,but anyway,maybe I am too selfish.I think it's a lovely thing to do if you know for sure how it's gonna turn out,but if there's any doubt on either end even in the most solid of friendships,I would worry a little about things going sideways once baby was born.I still think you'll conceive on your own! xxxx

Beth - I've been trying to find the time where I could sit down and post without any interruptions as this is a very sensitive subject.
I think the idea of surrogacy is great. I think it's so wonderful that women realize the importance of having children and being able to help another woman achieve that goal is a most precious gift.
For me personally, I think the woman would have to be a stranger. I just don't know how I would feel if someone I knew would be able to see me raise the child she carried. I think it would probably be a strain of the friendship. I can see how some folks would find comfort in knowing their surrogate on a more personal level but I am afraid of what may happen after the baby is born. It's amazing what kind of bond can be formed - and if may be difficult to break that bond if the child is still in your life.
I think you should research surrogacy in depth and really seek God's help in making that decision. He knows your path and he can help you achieve it.