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Advice Please Help!

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Advice Please Help!

Post  mscherry42 on Tue Aug 04, 2009 4:26 pm

I'm so mad. I hit a button and all my post went away!! Cry

Anway, I will start again. My 17 year old sister has been living with us since January. She came to live with us cause she basically sucked all the way around in Louisiana, school, stealing, lying, sneaking out, etc. She only passed one class out of seven the semester before she came to live with us. We decided that she would do better in Idaho, since she would be out of her normal element, and basically there isn't much to do in Boise, Idaho. Well, she did do better. Although her grades still sucked, she passed all seven of her classes. And she started to seem like a better person. However, her attitude is through the roof. It is and has caused so much drama and friction in my home that there are times when I regret bringing here. My DF even stopped speaking to her for like 5 days cause of her dumb attitudes. Jadah even emailed me at work one day saying that she thought Candace hated her cause she's always yelling and being mean to her. Candace is also behind in school, and won't graduate until she's 19 at the earliest considering she doesn't fail any more classes. So, my mom and I thought it might be a good idea to convice her to drop out and get her GED and immediately join the navy. It would make her grow(being in classes with 15 and 16 year olds hinders the maturity level, let me tell ya). She was also going to get a breast reduction using her medicaid insurance. Now, we find out that in order for Medicaid to cover it, she would have had only weigh 128 since she's only 5 ft. That's a big crock. I dont' know too many females that are short, skinny, with big boobs. A lot of her weight is in her boobs(she's an H). So, now she's so discouraged. She's been working out and losing weight, but in order to join the navy, she'll have to drop another 60 pounds(she's 199 right now). I'd be willing to better those big kahunas she got weighs about 40 themselves. I digress, though. The plan was she was going to "temporarily" move back to Louisiana and go to school there, and get the surgery(her medicaid is there), then come back for spring semester here in Idaho. Now that the surgery's a no go, she doesn't want to move back there. Well, here comes the dilemna. My mom, without my sister's knowledge, had decided that she wasn't going to come back in the spring. Part of me is okay with this decision, but a part of me feels so bad about sending her back, knowing she's not going to do well. I want my sister to succeed, but at the risk of my household's peace of mind, I JUST DON'T KNOW!!! My fiance` thinks she should stay, but I know that his main reason is so that we don't need to pay a babysitter. I mean, don't get me wrong, he knows she's not going to do well in Louisiana either. I'm just torn. Do I take the risk of more stress and friction caused by my sister, or risk her going back to Louisiana and being sucked down a drainhole of mediocrity and poverty. Please help me. I don't have anyone else not close to the situation to turn to for good advice. Thank you ladies for reading my problem.
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Re: Advice Please Help!

Post  dolly's momma on Tue Aug 04, 2009 5:42 pm

While the navy may be an excellent idea for her, she might as well continue her schooling until she drops the weight to get in. Does the Medicaid weight requirement stand even if she were to get a doctor's opinion that her chest was causing issues with her back from the weight? (while not an h, I know how that feels. My spine's t7, t8 area is messed up from my chest)

I totally understand also how you are torn. On one hand she is your sister, and you want her to have a successful life. But on the other hand what is the emotional cost to your family to continue trying to help her better herself. You haven't mentioned if this has at times created an emotional wedge between you and DF. If it has, you need to talk to him about putting her actions outside your family bond. Also the negative impact on your sweet little baby girls nedds to be in the equation too.

I think if you decide to encourage her to continue on with her schooling you, she, and DF need to have a come to Jesus meeting about what you expect from her if she wants to stay in your home. Maybe even have some type of behavioral contract of some type...I know it is difficult at that age, but she needs to completely understand the sacrifice you are making to provide her with a home and chance at a future and act appropriately. And if she can't do that then she needs to know you will expect her to leave for the sake of your family. She has put herself in her own between a rock and a hard place......

My kids are a little younger, but I struggle daily with the impact their behaviors are having on Lucy. Kirk got mad at me last night because I got frustrated and was yelling at my older daughter while feeding Lucy. He asked me to please not yell right at my baby lol. Something you need to keep telling yourself with your sister, you can give her the opportunity for a better life, but she has got to want and take that opportunity for herself. You cannot make her into something better, she has to make that for herself, maybe with a helping hand from you. What ever she ends up doing with her future, if she fails it is not because of you. If you decide to send her back to LA it is not your fault if she makes bad choices, or even if she stays with you and goes downhill, you are in no way responsible for what she makes out of her future. Long winded comment short, don't make your choice out of guilt, whatever you do or don't do is totally outside what she makes of herself. She has to make her own choices and live with them.
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Re: Advice Please Help!

Post  mscherry42 on Tue Aug 04, 2009 6:42 pm

ty so much, DM. You brought me to tears, but I can't let 'em fall cause I'm sitting at work. Yes, her attitudes affect DF ad I sometimes. Cause I don't always agree on his choice of responses to her attitudes, we end up ticked off with each other, or he walks around the house not really speaking to anyone. Yes, I am afraid that I if I make the "wrong" decision, I might feel guilty later. My mom said the same thing about Candace having to want to do better for her own self.

She can't get the surgery through medicaid after February, cause that's when she turns 18. I will be honest though, I just don't see her losing 70 before then in order to have the surgery. I really think that most of her "overweightness" is in her breasts. She weighs a snug 13/14 jeans(not trashy looking though). She just has a weird shape, no butt, all chest, kind of boxy like, except for those kentwood water jugs.

I think you might be right. I need to sit her down and explain things to her in "raw" terms. My mom says that I sugar coat things too much for Candace, and to an extent, she might be right.

I'm still not sure what is best, so I better start praying about it. Her future and ours is at stake.

Again, thank you DM.
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Re: Advice Please Help!

Post  mscherry42 on Tue Aug 04, 2009 9:37 pm

OMG!!!
Here I am torn about what I want to do, explaining to her the situation, and trying to find the best solution, and this cow has the nerve to talk about me to one of her little chicken head friends on my house phone!!! She came to my room, offered to cook me dinner, then had the nerve to complain about it to her friend on the phone!!! Yeah, I eavesdropped, sure did, IT'S MY HOUSE!!! Tongue . But seriously though, it's like she's the little victim let her tell it. But, I have to be the adult and not let her stupid immature comments/behavior influence my decision. OK, rant over....for now!!!
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Re: Advice Please Help!

Post  dolly's momma on Tue Aug 04, 2009 11:33 pm

Some people sure make it awfully hard to love them, don't they. My older kids are expert victims, and manipulating you is the game they play.
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Re: Advice Please Help!

Post  mscherry42 on Wed Aug 05, 2009 6:33 am

Ain't that the truth!!!! lol
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Re: Advice Please Help!

Post  mscherry42 on Thu Aug 06, 2009 8:46 am

Well the verdict is in, my sister is staying. I prayed about it and just stepped back from it. My mom told her she could stay, so I'm okay with it. We'll see.
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Re: Advice Please Help!

Post  Lou Lou on Thu Aug 06, 2009 10:09 am

Hey!
I read your post the other day and didn't have time to respond.
I see you've made a decision and have decided to let her stay. I think that's very admirable.
I like what DM said about some people being difficult to love - but look at what an opportunity you've just scored.

She knows deep down that her being there is not an ideal situation for you - but you chose to let her stay anyway.
You've already made progress with her!

Hang in there. I have a sister that drives me nuts - and she's slowly reaching the point of no return but your sister is 10 years younger and you still have a chance with her!!!! lol

Keep us posted.

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Re: Advice Please Help!

Post  mscherry42 on Thu Aug 06, 2009 5:01 pm

Thanks Lou Lou and DM for your advice. It means a lot. So, now we just put forth even more effort to make this work.
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Re: Advice Please Help!

Post  Lily*Blossom on Fri Aug 07, 2009 11:47 am

Mscherry, I only just saw this, but wanted to let you know you are an incredible sister and person, and I think what you are doing is so great. I'm glad you prayed about things and came to a decision. She is definitely old enough to sit down with her and make choices and set goals for her life, and for you to let her know what you expect from her and the rules of your home.

We are here for you.

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Re: Advice Please Help!

Post  LeanneWhitney on Sat Aug 29, 2009 4:35 pm

hey hun all i can say it i was a little basterd of a kid growing up i will be first to say it lol but i was still respectful on the other hand, My mum would have slaped me in the mouth no questions asked if i was disrespectful in anyway , Im not saying to slap her lol but at the end of the day you are the adult and she is in your home and she should appreciate that you don't have to be there for her but you wanted to be. Maybe its time to sit down and instead of reason be firm and say this is how its going be in my house end of the day i know she is your sister but thats it you sister... and your house hold comes first as im sure you know but she needs to know that your not going keep bending over backwards for her if she cant so much as act her age at 17 i had been living in my own apartment working 12 hour shifts and paying my own bills for a year. And as for her operation i don't know for sure but i watched a true life on tv how there is work out programs and natural herbs she can take that focuses on losing weight off the breast along. I will ask my sister if she kept the info because she was doing it she also a H but ill get back to you when i see her online.
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Re: Advice Please Help!

Post  mscherry42 on Sat Aug 29, 2009 5:30 pm

leanne,
Ty. I hope you can find the info on those specialized workouts to reduce her breasts. That would be very helpful. We've been having somewhat peace in our household for the past month(knock on wood), so we'll see.
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Re: Advice Please Help!

Post  LeanneWhitney on Sat Aug 29, 2009 6:18 pm

hey no problem this is the one i found so far that is close to what was on the tv show my sister is in england so she in bed now lol but here is the best one i found so far

http://www.shapefit.com/workout-questions-reduce-breast-size.html
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