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I don't know what to do?

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Post  lindzee Tue Apr 13, 2010 8:04 pm

...It is my mother. Just when I think things are getting better everything collapses like a house of cards. Knowing is one thing, doing is another. That sentence keeps rewinding and then playing again my mind. My mother is one of those people that says she knows things and "gets it", but then turns around and does what she shouldn't.

In short, I feel as if I am constantly parenting my mother. Worrying about her health, eating habits, work, money and whatever else you want to throw in there is just one stress piling on top of another.

My mother works a job making a few dollars over minimum wage. She hates her job - well any job she has ever had. She constantly has money problems and comes to us for money. [Like asking for 1000 or more if you have it] How do you turn down your mother? How can we best help her? Throwing money at the problem is no solution at all, it is a temporary band aid that won't solve anything.

I have set her up with a counselor and encouraged her to go. We bought her a special workbook for Christmas that the counselor suggested so that they could work through it. Suggesting she go to the bank and see a financial adviser or someone at the bank who could help her to get her fiances, spending and debt under some kind of control was brought up last year. Have you ever seen the show Til Death Due us Part? She isn't married, but I want that lady to come to my mother's house and help her.

Do you have advice? Suggestions? What would you do if it was your mother? Or perhaps just leave me some consoling words if you've nothing else, because I really get it if you've got nothing. That's about the amount I've got.
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Post  Angel Tue Apr 13, 2010 9:21 pm

I'm so sorry Lindzee.I am lucky enough to have a very independant mother,who,for the most part (apart from when she drank during my childhood) played the mother role and I don't have to be the mother.Sometimes,very rarely,she shows herself as vunderable and when she has a bad day,she switches roles on me and asks me what to do.When she does this,because she does it occasionally,I can deal with it.Can hardly imagine having to baby my mum,do things for her,lend her money,etc...I would drown with all the repsonsability,I know how to refuse my mother.By tellin her that she is YOUR mother,not vice versa,but that's jst me and I understand you cannot put yourself insomeon else position without having walked a mile in theri shoes.Iwould tell her (if it were me) that I simply didn't have the money,especially if she's not paing you back.I would instead,buy her what she needs,so far as groceries till her next paycheck and tell her she's a grown woman and needs to get her shit together,figure out what she CAN afford and live within her means.If she can't then she doesnt need to be spending it.Or say 'if I lend you this money' you give me your check book and debit card and I will ensure your bills are paid (have her bring them to you when due) with her debit card over the phone,and then give her a weely allowance for food based on a budget that you create together.It is neitber your obligation or your job to take care of your mohter financially,it's one thing to help on occasion,of course I would do that for my mother and she has done for me many times.But we pay her back and she pays us back.Sounds like she needs to grow the F up and take responsability for her life and stop putting on you,you'll have pleanty of time for that when she REALLY needs you,as in she's old,can't work,can't take care of herself.I believbe (unless very unusual circumstances ,like a disability or having a very old parent) are in play) then everyone has the right and should be allowed to live a litte without concern in between having children or taking care of their parents.I know that time comes for most people,but not all.Either way,this is the time for you to be concentrating on making your own family and to be enjoying yout life,taking vacations,buying a home (if you havn't already) and I feel it's very selfish of her to force so much upon you.But at the same time,I feel it's partly up to you to push some of it off.Are you an only child? if not perhpas a sibling could step in and supportyou.She's well enough to work,so what she hates her job,I hated most of the jobs I had,but she is workiing and is well enough to function so she needs to let you live,before she gets to where she REALLY can't and she has to live with you or at the very least needs more care.I feel for you and I know that what I have written sounds harsh,I mean no offence to you or your mother,but it just sounds very selfish to me and you have enough on your plate.Good luck and let us know how it goes,hugs!
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Post  lindzee Tue Apr 13, 2010 9:36 pm

Thanks Angel! I don't take offense at all to what you have written. I agree with what you say. I just need to put it into words and tell her. Sigh. I am so tired and stressed already!
I appreciate your honesty and your advice. xoxoxo
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Post  BethG Tue Apr 13, 2010 9:37 pm

I think Angel's suggestion to take her checkbook and pay her bills, take over her finances is a good idea....if you're willing and if she's willing. It means putting her on an "allowance" and I'm not sure she's willing to take that from her daughter.

Continuing to give her money is just enabling her bad habits.

Sorry you have to deal with. ((HUGS))
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Post  Angel Tue Apr 13, 2010 9:44 pm

lindzee wrote:Thanks Angel! I don't take offense at all to what you have written. I agree with what you say. I just need to put it into words and tell her. Sigh. I am so tired and stressed already!
I appreciate your honesty and your advice. xoxoxo

OK cool! Smile/happy HAve you thought of writing her a letter,I am a huge fan of writing things down,you can edit it,until it's how you want it to souns,in real life you can't erase your words if you say it wrong,but on paper you dont have to give it to her until it's right.You can also use it to get out a lot of anger,I would suggest writing her a long letter,get out all your frustration,be totally hones,tangry,don't hold back,be raw.Then put that letter aside and take from it the points you want to make to her and put it in a nicer way in a letter that she'll see.It's very theraputic and enables you to externalise what you want to say.Tell her how it's going to be,.If she wants you to be the mother,then tell her you have to go the whole way with it.It's not FAIR to expect you to pay for her,so if she doesnt want you to control things,tell her fine,but no more money AT ALL.Thats what I would do. hugs again and let us know what you decide.
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Post  Angel Sun Apr 18, 2010 2:03 pm

How's this going Linzee? any changes? I hope you're ok and not too stressed out by it all! Hugs x
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