seriously??

I would like to know honestly,for those of you who don't mind speaking frankly,about sex.I have heard all the stereotypes of coupls stopping having sex after a few years into marriage.Kids or no kids.The 'fire' dying out.The passion dissapearing but I never thought it would happen to us.I know there are so many suggestions of how to 'bring back the spark' but honestly.I (for the most part) feel as though I couldnt care less if I never had sex again.I am sure my mind could be changed,but as a lot of you know,hubby and I have had a rough past year.We have no problem getting on as firends,making joked baout trivial stuff,but when we have fights or serious talks we have been having a hard time.The last year has been filled with fights,anger,resentment.Me wishing he would quit drinking,him half admitting,half denying.Refusing to get anyhelp.Me being messy and unmotivated.Things are slowly looking up for me as in a week or so I will have my work permit and be able to get out a little and earn some money,also start studying etc...however,I feel that so much has been said/done by us both and each time we have fought it's killed some more passion inside.I need compliments,nice things said to me etc...Hubby stopped saying those sweet things ages ago,probably almost 3 years and we have been together 4!I told him that I miss that.He said that I want the honeymoon period back and I'm not gonna get it.I don't buy that,I think you can still have romance and make an effort to please your lover without having it be a 'honeymoon period'.I know couples that do.He thinks I'm full of shit.

Yet,he expects us to have sex like we used to,you know the all night,chandelier swinging sex,then it diminshed to just some sex' and then of course we have it maybe once a week.I cringe away from it,make excuses and it makes me sad.I dont like to sleep with him when he's intoxicated coz not only does he stink of booze but he's someone else,who is unattractive to me.He's goofy,his voice changes and he's just 'creepy' I actually told him this one time,which of course did not help matters,but I thought he's maybe make an effort to stay sober if he wanted some.I don't mind a couple of beers but he drinks these weird 'malt drinks' that are 12-14% proof!I dont know what they are but my neighbour said it's like liquor with a mix drink.Anyway,that's the main reason,yet he still tries it on when we're in bed at all hours,and I shun him and then he gets pissed off which makes me even LESS want to have sex.It's like a vicious cycle.I feel cheated of SOME compliemenys or something.I mean as a partenrship we work well.I take care of the kids,shop,pay the bills,wash the clothes,he works and allowd me total financial freedom and trust.But as a romantic couple there's not much.He says and others say 'you need to go OUT' I couldnt care less about going out,I mean it would be nice to go out to a restaurant but I really would be equally happy with a nice diner at home.

I really don't want to go out and buy some sexy lingerie,pose in the bedroom.,getting HIM to want sex isn't the issue,it's me.I am just NEVER in the mood,I believe it's a build up of resentment/hurt and lack of compliements/giving verbally /mentally on his aprt.I have tried to tell him all this,to no avail...I guess I would like suggestions from anyone who has been through this and come out the otherside with success.I know it's what happens to 'all' couples ,the birthday blowjob,the men complaining about not getting enough...but I am a very sexual being (at least I was) I refuse to believe it just vanishes never to return at age 27. Please....anyone have a take on this?

Hi lovey. I can relate to you on on some level about feeling like you are at an impasse.

DH and I haven't been intimate in months. We love each other, but he is frustrated. He is never home, I am pregnant, I do everything around the house. He isn't very good about random romantic gifts, and my language of love is gifts and quality time. He doesn't get lovey dovey, or want to cuddle, or stroke my hair. I don't feel like the flirty-ness is in our relationship, and I miss it. I know part of it is because he is so overwhelmed with school and work. He is desperate for some sexual attention, although he doesn't want actual sex because he is afraid of losing the baby.

But when I was pregnant with LM it was the same. I just did not have any desire to be intimate, and the smell of his manly fluids literally gagged me. It is the same this time.

We had a chat, and he seems to understand that when he graduates he will have more time to spoil me. Also I told him that I feel overwhelmed with kids and stuff and I just don't have hours to spend with him in the sack having carefree sex. My mind is in mommy mode especially while the kids are super young. But I know that things will drastically change over time as the kids get older and less dependent.

Also, we are waiting, just to make sure our son is born healthy and stuff, but after the baby is born DH is getting a vasectomy. God forbid something would happen to this pregnancy and it wouldn't carry through to term, so that is why we are waiting for him to get the snip snip until after the baby is born. I feel like I haven't been as into things and carefree because when I'm not pregnant, and wasn't ready to be, I was so freaking scared of a pregnancy I wasn't yet ready for. So I think that getting the snip snip will help me relax and be more adventurous and not be so scared of getting pregnant again.

Holi girl, our situations are different. But I can see where you are coming from. The spark just isn't there, but it doesn't mean that the love isn't. I understand completely about you not wanting to be with him when he is drunk and smelly, because the connection just isn't there, and he's too drunk to please you and take his time to make sure you are satisfied too.

You don't just want things to be like they are ticking a box, you want quality time together with quality sex! I completely understand that longing, even though our situations are different. Just work on it honey. Tell him again how you feel (when he is sober), and tell him you want to spice things up but not just with lingerie. You want quality time with cuddles and kisses and back rubs, etc.

I love you bunches, and I'm glad you posted here. We are here for you, and I agree the spark shouldn't be gone at 27 years of age. You have to date your spouse, if that makes sense!

xxxxxxxxxx

Thanks for replying Tiff,was beggining to think no one would! LOL.I totallty agree with the pregnancy thing.Sinc I can't use BC and we both can't use condoms (they make me dry up and itch (even the non latex ones) and they turn DH off so much that he um () 'loose it'.So it negates everything there.I also was terrified of getting pregnant EVER again.So I have been super consciou to moniter my body and until after Oday we usually are very careful.So that may be a factor.

Also the other point you made about ticking boxes.I agree.Sometimes I feel like when he drinks,he's co clumsy,like last time we tried we he was drunk,he scratched me with his nail which not only turned me off but pissed me off.A lumbering idiot who's completely unaware of his surroundings is SO not sexy to me.Also because we go such long times between sex,he's desperate for it when we do and I end up feeling like I could just not be there from the wait up for him.I feel like a tube sock in a teenage bedroom.It might sound gross or comedic but serioulsy? when you're not both having a good time,what's the difference? Especially when I used have to get him to come upstair by flirting and promissing sex (coz we would never come to bed n fall asleep on the couch,but he's got better at that now) and then we would have sex and most time,he would go back downstairs!

Anyway,I get in mummy mode too and it's hard to snap out of with little ones,BUTI do have to tell you that when they hit 2-3 things get a lot easier with young ones,so just hang in there.Anyway,thanks for your repsonse,I dread the conversation with hubby.I am not the most tactful person and whenever I say anything about his drinking it really upsets him and he feels attacked...how else could he feel? Maybe I am putting it wrong,beside I have said the drunk sex thing several times,he doesnt want to hear it and doesnt change yet his desires remain as demanding.In the day I dont mind,he came home from work yesterday and we 'got busy' in the bathroom which he loved of course.But that's the first time in MONTHS maybe even over a year since something like that has happened...anyway!

i am really sorry you are having all of this trouble lately I am here if you need to talk. i know exactly how you are feeling, and minus having children, I was in the same exact boat.. twice when i was your age (not that it was THAT long ago, but still)

I truly feel alot of people settle because of comfort, they get into a zone of stability and feel stuck there, and when they think about leaving it seems impossible because of the life they have created WITH that person, and cant see makingit without them. I have never been able to get 'that feeling' back with anyone once it is gone... and maybe others can, but i feel like it was lost for a reason.

Maybe seeing a counselor will help.. but he does need to realize the booze may be preventing it from ever getting better.

If you need me call

Thanks DD! It's always been an issue but recently more so,he does realise.Sometimes he admits it,others not.We'll see.

I think there is a lot more to this then simply your sex drive has dried up however, in answer to the original question Rich and I have been together for nearly 7 years. In the first year or so we had sex nearly everyday sometimes more than once, when/after we got married we were immediately #1 so TBH sex did become less about us and mostly about making a baby, as you know I took my temperature everyday stressed about when to have sex etc....which started to put a strain on this side of our relationship, Rich commented once that he just felt like that's all he was good for (a baby making machine).Thankfully though the other sides of our relationship were very strong and carried us through those stressful times. When we conceived Theo we didn't have sex all that often throughout the pregnancy because of the early bleeding episodes. We did get things back on track pretty quick after Theo was born, at 4.5 wks PP we were having sex again 1-2 times a week. And the more we had the more we wanted sometimes though we would go up to 3 weeks without having sex not because we didn't want to just because we didn't think about it, and were both tired. Obviously we then conceived Klara very quickly and rarely had sex throughout the whole pregnancy, Rich found it oddly more uncomfortable as I was pregnant with a girl...as weird as that sounds that was the reason, plus the fact I would spot after sex every single time and my bump was VERY uncomfortable during sex.
At 6 weeks PP we had sex again. We try to grab moments where we can but I have to say things are back to maybe once a week, it's much harder to make the time with 2 little ones but I find that it's quality rather than quanity I don't feel the need or desire to have sex as much as we did when we were first together but I do love our 'special' time together and making love is good for the soul I have to say though Rich does make an effort, between us (lol) he wears nice Armani pants for me cos he knows I think he looks hot in them!! and he offers to give me a back massage every so often. I have some really beautiful slips that I quite literally slip into....but it's cos I want to and he makes me feel like I want to KWIM!!!

but again as I said at the very start I do think for you Holi there is a lot more to this. There are some issues with hubby that need to be resolved (in truth only he can do that)before things will get back on track. In my previous relationship of 6 years we didn't have sex for 6/7 months before we finally split, it broke my heart as I loved him but he lost all his desire for me and the lack of that intimacy caused a wedge between us that just got bigger and bigger. The relationship was cracking BEFORE the sex stopped, the sex stopping was caused by the cracks in our relationship. If we had just taken time out to sort things out, we could have saved that relationship and possibly still been together (but I should add that I am glad for me things happened like they did otherwise I wouldn't have my gorgeous hubby and precious children).

x x x

Hey Holi!
I do understand what you mean and to be honest, i am a lot like you and don't really care a whole lot about sex either right now!! i guess just hte stress of weaning, selling our house, buying land and all that stuff, sex is like the LAST Thing on my mind BUT, we do it maybe once a week or sometimes 2 or 3 times a week, before THane we did it TONS! Always have! So...this is sorta new to us, and he is mad a lot of times cuz the main reason we don't is probably cuz thane sleeps with us...which yeah i know blah blah blah, i don't caer what anyone says, every mother does it different...

but anyway, i do know what you mean and i very rarely am a horndog like i used to be...maybe we should just do each other

Holi I don't know what to say except my relationship is $%^& ever since having Jasper, so bad so that we are talking separation. We are trying to communicate, but we keep bringing up the past when in reality for us to work we need to move on. If we do decide on separating when I get back from my trip (our time apart) we will be doing couples counselling to help us move forward..\\

The worst part is after having given birth 8 months ago, I FINALLY have a libido BUT the only night my SO has decided to come to bed, Jasper was there cuddled with me which is rare, but last night we had a really late night getting back from his sisters house. My SO has stopped trying to be affectionate because Ihaven't wanted to be touched for the past 8 months and now that I do he doesn't feel like being rejected over and over again.

gosh it sounds like everyone has their own different sets of issues when it comes to this.I think it may be a case of,if we can survive through this then we can survive anything.HUbby says,that a relationship starts with sex and ends with sex (or lack there of) I was offended when I first heard it but I think he has a good point.

I didn't see this til now If you want my opinion, it sounds like you have alot of issues between you in bed. It really seems some type of counseling could steer you past the obstacles and get things back on track.

Also in general, hormonal imbalances and some medications can affect desire too. And like someone else mentioned, I had a long period once where I just was not interested. I think the repeated rejection did affect him more than I realized. For many years after that I had to initiate anything.

Here is my current frustration. He is taking a medication (Lipitor) which has made, umm, his time ''in action'' about 30 seconds. Lets just say he is across the finish line about the time I am getting into gear. The really annoying part is he has a medication to fix this problem but he says it is too much bother to plan to take it 30 minutes before he comes to bed. This is the man who watches poker on tv and plays online poker 2-3 hours before bed every night. Then he has about a 20 min before bed routine. One night I made a comment, ''So you are saying longer sex with me is not worth planning 30 min ahead...'' That is the only time he took it (and it was wonderful to not be left ''hanging''.

I guess me and Mick Jagger just can't get no satisfaction...................

hey dm...check out the website for slumber party....it has what you need and can maybe trick him into putting it on, pretend like its lube

http://www.slumberparties.com/Checkout/productdetail.aspx?ID=577

You can order online and they ship it to you. i recetnly went to a party and bought some stuff it was fun! I must say it isn't ray's fault at all that i don't feel too horndogish lately, cuz god nows he's hot! he goes to the gym and realy takes care of himself and he has a rockin bod its just me being too tired i guess...and of course thane in the bed...shut up holi! :p and that's all she wrote...BUT i heard a long time ago that if things are not doing ok in other areas of your life, then the bedroom will suffer as well. I am not planning on being this way forever, but right now, finding time is justa little rough. i told him hang in there and we will be back to our bunny rabbit selves before we know it