GUess it's my turn in the hot seat again!

So,do none of you ladies suffer with 'issues' in the bedroom or are you all just too private? Well I have to speak up beacuse I need to know I am not alone,or a freak,please indulge me,just for today!

So,when hubby and I first got together (we had Teo in the picture already so the new kid excuse can't be used) and we have always been in stressful finacial situatins until 2 years ago.So,we had,the most amazing,mind blowing,earth shattering,spiritual,connective,deep,meaningful sex...if that makes sense.I would feel as though we were one,as cheesy as that sounds and as much as I dispise using words like 'connection' it's the truth.I felt so loved,so safe,so passionate,so engulfed so ...somethig I can't even put into words.I have never been a hugely adventurous person,I don't own any sex toys,I don't masturbate ( I am obvioulsy not good at it because I have never succeeded in making myself O) I require g spot stiumlation in order to have an O and it happens so rarely,all the stars have to aligne pretty much LOL.BUt I used to enjoy it,want it,crave it,never get bored of it,never was too tired or had a headache,yet,since we've moved to this house (maybe a bit before) I feel like the feeling has gone.Hubby is still as horny as ever and it's becoming a problem. Sure after my daughter was born I couldnt wait to have sex again and for a brief while things were good again,but then I started to withdraw.I would get too tired (which I know is normal when you are breastfeeding and have a baby who doesnt sleep through the night.Well now she's 2,sleeps through the night.I no longer breastfeed,am pretty much to my pre baby weight and feel ok with my body.But That feeling is not there.Hubby say's it's normal that the 'honeymoon period' is over.Well if that's the case then we need to re marry every year or so.

I don't buy it,I do have friends who tell me (if they're not lying which they give me no reason to believe they would be) that they have regular sex,enjoy it,even kinky sex,these are people who have been or are in over 10 year long relationships,some of them are less,maybe between 3-7 years but still long enough for any 'honeymoon' to wear off I'm sure you'll agree.Some of those people don't have kids,but other do and still manage to enjoy a sex life ,albeit somewhat less spontaneous,they still manage to both want it,find the time and energy to do it and enjoy it.

Right now,the way I feel is,I love my life,I love my hubby,he's my best friend,I miss him when he's at work.We laugh and joke and enjoy each others company,I love being a mother and I am loving writing and studying and teaching,I have a full and happy life.But as for sex,pretty much everyday for the past 4-5 months I couldnt care less if I never did it again. I am not depressed,nothing shocking or traumatic has happened and although hubby and I fight,we have always faught.I told him that maybe my lack of sex drive is something to do with everytime we have a nasty fight the passionate,spiritual,emotional part of my sex drive gets chipped away at and somehow never recovers each time until there's nothing left.He of course took immense offence to that and said 'well that's great so I have messed everything up and can't fix it' I don't know if that's the real reason.He also said I don't take any repsonsabilty for myself and that I always blame my problems on other.Maybe he's right in this instance..but I honestly couldnt say exactly why I feel this way,I just want to know,is it normal? can you come back from it? am I alone in this? I'm 27 not 57 why do I feel like I don't care about sex.Cuddles,yes,affection love it.Sex,kind of makes me cringe away and want to curl up in a ball. Can someone please give me some thoughts on this? Thank you ladies! Love you x

What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. Our desires and needs constantly change and that's ok - you really shouldn't get hung up upon the fact right now you aren't really feeling it I think if someone is shouting from the roof tops about their amazing sex life they are most likely the couple who aren't having regular sex. Rich and I don't have mind blowing sex every night of the week more like no sex for 2 weeks and then sex 2-3 times in a week then nothing again for a couple of weeks. To be fair I don't really keep track but I do know we don't have sex nearly as much as we used to, having spoken openly to Rich about it he seems happy (he'd like a BJ every day of the year but that's not happening!! lol!!) and I am so it's all cool. It's great you can also speak openly to Chuck and by the sound's of it he is being very understanding about your lack of desire.

As long as you two are talking about it and are aware that you've not lost interest in him it's just your not feeling very sexual then I am sure all will be ok, your desire will come back I am sure of it. You have lots of major things going on in your life at the moment and this is what often happens.

And age has nothing to do with it honey it's quite often what is going on in the mind and in yours there is a lot at the moment!! x x

XXX I am sorry you are going through this holi!!!!!  If it will make you feel better, I will tell you that several months ago I went through something similar where I would get sick at the thought of doing anything at all with ray poor guy! He was all about it and I just was NOT feelin it, and wanted nothing to do with it , although I did, I really didn’t want to at all   Things are much better now and even though sometimes I am tired and I don’t do ALL the crazy things I used to do, we still have a great time and enjoy ourselves again. Our new room and thane being in his room really helped out   We have been together for almost 10 years ( it will be in February) and things are really good!  one thing that we do not do and haven’t for a long time is we don’t kiss for no reason unless we are in the heat of the moment. But the main reason for this is he pulled back on doing that when we’d been married for a short time and I was like uh what’s wrong is my breath nasty or something :S and then I just stopped, so we have little peck’s but that’s it unless we really get into it, then it makes those times more special too… but yeah, that’s weird I know ;(

 

I wish there was something I could say to help you through this. I really don’t know what it could be. The times that I was sick of it could have been hormone related, and I do still have major issues with my boos cuz thane still nurses so if ray touches them I go ballistic! :S but I try not to show it! I just think to myself, OMG GET AWAY FROM THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I hate boos right now.

 

But besides that, the other is really good!  as long as me and him are doing good in other aspects, like him helping with thane, and not b*tchin about boo for thane, then we get along fine! He is also my best friend, and I love him and he’s hot!  Just like chuck is hot!  It has nothing to do with them, its with us.  Sometimes we lose our fire for whatever reason, but we can get it back I did!!! So I know you can too. I am not sure what changed it. Sometimes we get into these ruts where we get comfortable, we don’t things for so long together just the 2 of us, that we forget how things used to be! It sounds like you and him may need to go across the mountain and stay in Gatlinburg for a few nights and just chill in the hot tub just the 2 of you and connect like you did before.  There is something that you haven’t thought of that is different I am sure and that something whatever it is is keeping you from being that wild sensual person you were before.  It’s very odd I know, cuz I would wonder what was wrong with me and why didn’t I want it too?  I would feel guilty!  It was really crazy! It was like that for several months! But I think I am about back to normal now, of course I hATE my body and want to lose 5 lbs, but that’s another story!

 

If u need a toy though, I can let you borrow mine. Cuz it would do that trick! And wow, you don’t m*****????  Wow….

K I do that at least once a week!   nah, just playin! Or am i????

 

Anyways, I am sorry u are going thru this but I do believe it will get better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XOXOXOX Love you!!!!!

Thank you ladies,I think there are aspects of what you both say that ring true with me.Although,I was talking to candy and she said she can relate to the part where everytime we fight,a little peice of my passion,fire,desire or whatever you want to call it,crumbles away and now it feels like it's gone completely.I also know there every couple has ups and downs.BUT... It hasn't been just a month,or 2 months.It's been like it since we moved in here,just steadily getting worse.We MAYBE have sex 2-3 times a month and that's only because I oblige him,I don't want it,initiate it or desire it and while it's going on,as awful as it sounds,I get irritated everytime he does something that I don't like,catches me with a nail,touches my nipps when they're sensitive or tries to flip me over when am only just bearing it in the missionary position.I get tense and angry and just want it to be over.It sounds and feels awful.I love him and want him to be happy.I just want to be hugged and maybe kissed without having a hand shoved down there.We've been in this house for over 18 months,this isn't a new problem and like I said it went from ...1-2 times a week to that much a month. :/ I don't feel like it's a phase or if it is,it's a really long one and I havn't come out of it once since we've been in it...

Thanks so much for your replies and I see others on here reading my post which means a lot too! hugs x At leats it's good to feel supported!

Angel- besides the moving to a new house have you changed anything else. Diet, exercise, or medicines?? It all sounds more hormonal or (please don't get offended) but maybe a depression related type of thing. Does any of these things sound possible?

We have changed our diet since we moved but only in a good sense...we cut chemicals such as preservatives,food dyes and flavourings,then after a year we've only become more healthy,thats not to say that I don't eat too much chocolate :/ but overall healthier than the average ameircan diet.As for it being hormonal..I can't rule it out,I just started my period today which mean's I had a 24 day cycle,that could explaint this month,but what about all the others? I honestly don't think I am depressed,like i said,with every other aspect of my life,for the first time in years,I feel has direction and excitement.I am loving the daily lessons with Teo,loving going to barne and noble every few nights just to write and study.Plus doing a little toward my bridal bouquet business.I am pretty proud of myself and I have made a good circle of friends,near and far.I love my hubby,he's my best friend I look forward to him coming home everynight,perhaps if we had some special time,I feel I need tenderness,love and affection BEFORE I feel I can 'put out' does that make sense? There is a lot going on and I am thrilled with it,I am content with how things are if it wasn't for the damn sex issue and some of my family and friend living further away than I'd like my life would be heaven on earth.

I don't think the issue is the quanity it's the actual act itself so....what concerns you most about the fact you aren't enjoying sex. What are you worried it'll do? are you thinking Chuck will go else where? we need to get to the route of this if we're gunna help!

EDIT: Hear me saying the above in a soft tone with my arms stretched out in front of me (didn't mean to sound so harsh!!) x

No I agree entirely and I want to find the route cause,I was hoping that talking about it with your ladies would help me find the issue because obviously the problem lies with me.I am not worried about him going elsewhere,but he needs sex ,he would do it 3 times a day if he could.He has an extremely high drive.I used to as well,never as high as his but still pretty good.I honestly think I may be too close to see if that makes sense.What the problem is with me.I only recall that this gradual 'breaking down of the connection,bond,my sex drive began to happen little by little and after nasty fights,I would lay in bed feeling hurt and sad wanting us to make up,talk it through,fix it and move on and be loving again.I often tried to talk to him after the fight,even appologise but because of the way we both are we misinterpret what the other says,rub each other the wrong and end up yelling at each other again.I would go back to bed and cry my eyes out.A day or 2 would pass and' we'd agree to move on and let it go,we'd hug and sometimes that day have sex again,but I always felt that that particular issue (whatever it was) was unsolved and my hurt and acheing was never comforted,or he'd say something new and hurtful that would shock me so deeply that a little of the unconditional trust that he would never hurt that I had previoulsy had,started to be replaced with doubt and more hurt and eventually,as I predicted.Here I am...nothing left except a friendship,best freind,love for him,my kids and what I like to do...but as far as us being lovers,it's just not there.Now don't get me wrong,he's still gorgeous looking to me.Watching him walk around with no shirt on I see how hot he is,but I still don't want to jump on him...occasionally I get a flicker of desire but it's quickly replaced by 'eh,not in the mood' so I never act on it.I try and go there in my mind but just can't get it really to be honest...Does any of this help?

So you feel your sex drive for him is gone? Do you fantisize about anyone else, right now. I'm sure you would have told us if there is anyone else, but I have had friends that have started talking to exes and lose the sex drive for their husbands because they are doin the what if game in their heads. Plus you said its been going on awhile so it is a continuing issue. Someone mentioned ti on FB but I think that getting hormones checked would be good. Also you keep talking about your guys fights and feeling that they are unresolved. If you harbour resentment for things your husband is saying or if they are hurtful then there is some reason why you can't get in the mood.

On the other hand maybe you need things to just put you in the mood. Maybe you need to read some romance/ sex novels before bed. Or figure out what will turn you on besides your husband. Like you just need to get yourself in that state of mind.

well,I don't think that he doesnt turn me on as in he's not hot.I just feel sort of nothing sexual you know? Does that make sense? You make some good points.I have thought of others and that makes me ashamed though...

Aww, Hols! I am sorry you are going through this right now! xx

That being said I don't really know how far my thoughts or opinions will go because honestly I would think hormones or a hint of depression, but maybe it could also be that you have a LOT going on right now?? Yes they are all good things that are going on but still it is a lot for one person to handle and they are things that only you can handle if that makes sense? I think sometimes our minds just get so clustered with "stuff" that it is hard to think about the small things ( not that relationships are a small issue but the sex its self is not always thought about as is the daily cleaning, cooking, kids, school work.. etc ) It sounds like you guys need some "you time" to get away for a night or so ( I know it is hard to come by! ) and just enjoy each other's company. We go through the same dry spurts around our house and we are not really openly affectionate people ( Don't really kiss or anything, hubby always kisses me on the forehead before he leaves but that is usually the extent of it ) I know where you are coming from in it is not just a thing you can talk about and boom bring it back, it has to come back on it's own because you need to feel the vibes and the mood really needs to be there and that is the tough part. I don't really know what to say or give you any ideas except that you guys sound like you need some "you" time and go from there?

Yeah I suck with words but I am here if you want to talk! It seems like it is pretty common to have these spells and I hope it comes back for you soon babe! xx thinking of you!

Thank you Ash.I do have a lot going on,I am just happy like this.I'm only not happy about not having sex because it's bothering my husband. :S That bothers me,that it doesnt bother me LOL. I do think we need to set up some us time,but again I am just as happy sitting down watching TV or playing the game with him than going out,wehn we do go out we both feel so strange lol.Oh and I read some articles on 'spicing things up' I just don't see how dressing up in sexy outfits and lighting candles is going to make me feel more in the mood.In fact I am pretty sure the more we discuss it,that it's an 'internal thing rather than a physical thing.

I think it very well could be some chemical imbalance, some hormone out of kilter or something. I went thru a period similar and it was totally that.

I went through this with both my exhusband, and then my exfiance`. I have since looked back on it(wasn't able to really see it when i was in it go figure) and this is what I think happened. On an unbiased purely observing manner, I would say neither of them was awesome at sex. However, that being said, they were decent and mix that with love, it was amazing!! With exhusband, he cheated and was disrespectful and later was just a loser, so yeah, it got to the point where I would fake sleep and listen to him masturbate right on side of me just so he wouldn't touch me. The emotional side of our relationship caused me to not want any physical part of him. Now the exfiance` was different. We hooked up at a time where neither of us had really any huge responsibilities(dd was in louisiana while i was preparing for deployment). We were like lil horny rabbits. Then we went on deployment where together we experienced all these different countries and cultures, still lil rabbits. My ship was christened in all kinds of lil spots. Well, when we got back, reality set in. Grownup life began again. DD came back to live, and we all lived together. Sex changed, but was still ok. Then we moved to Idaho, and life really kicked into overdrive. I was pregnant and at a new job working nights, and he was a corrections officer working rotating shifts. Life took away our sex drive, but like i said, it was just ok. Then the suspected cheating set in, and then it was never the same.

I said all this to say, sometimes when the great emotional part of sex is taken away, the physical part of sex is left lacking. So, looking at Chuck, when the sex was mind blowing and all that, was he really great in the physical aspect of it. I ask because it seems like , the emotional part is gone for you. So, if you could get the emotional part back, then you could enjoy it physically.

During my recent single(some might say hoeish) months, I met this guy. He was drop dead gorgeous and was sweet and gentlemanly and single and just OMG!! I just knew that he was someone I could really date. Well, my mind and my body definitely weren't on one accord cause the sex was not good. I couldn't even muster up any juices(tmi sorry). We fizzled out really quick. I really think it's because I couldn't connect with him emotionally enough for my body to get turned on enough to enjoy sex with him.

I hope I've made some type of sense somewhere in all, Holi. Either way, I'm saying you're normal. I hope you "get your groove back".