Dads Changing/bathing Babies...weird?

**Angel** Sun Oct 12, 2008 12:46 pm

What do you think?My hubby will not change a diaper for our baby daughter or give her a bath.He sais it's because it's 'weird' He won't even look while I am changin her.When we got together my son was still in diapers,he had to change one ONCE and he acted like it was a big deal.I tried to explain that it's not weird,it's a necesity.He just feels really uncomfortable.I just wonder if it's coz he doesnt want to do it.Anyone else had experience with this?Maybe TG can share his opinion from a guy POV

24Penguins Sun Oct 12, 2008 2:46 pm

well, DF will change diapers if he HAS to (lol hes proved that this week with me in bad from surgery too, hes changing ALL the diapers LOL!!!) but he has yet to give her a bath ever. i dont know why he wont, but hes supposed to tonight, so i will see if he keeps his word and gives her a bath, or if shes going to be the dirtiest kid ever till i get better where i can bend over the tub and do it myself lol!!

sorry i know this doesnt help you much angel, but thats been my experience so far.

mscherry42 Sun Oct 12, 2008 3:18 pm

Wrong spot for this, but glad you're doing ok, Nika.
I seem to have read somewhere on some forum, not sure where, but somebody's DH had issues with kids' private parts, I think. I mean, I would always dread changing my friends' baby boys, especially when they had pooped. It was just weird. Practically speaking, that sounds dumb, I know. But, I guess if I had a son, I would just have to get over it. As a mom, it feels normal to change my little girl's diaper, and clean poop out of her...well, er,crevices. I'll bet if you had a boy, hubby be ok with changing him, since they have the same package. Think about it, how many penises have you been up close and personal with, but in a nonsexual way? I know I can't think of any, except baby boys. And it was just weird. Might be the same with him.

I can't understand how I can say things out loud, they make perfect sense, but try typing it, and it doesn't always come out right. I hope I have kind of explained a possible theory, without sounding like a crazy lady.

**Angel** Sun Oct 12, 2008 5:25 pm

You are not crazy and I see what you are saying,but like I said,he did change ONE of my sons diapers...he refused to do it again and has NOTHING to do with bathing or naked kids in our house,he finds it creepy for HIM to be looking/changing.It annoys me coz i never get a break from doing it but either way,i just get on with it now.I tried to sho him the other day and he wouln't look!I think it's stupid.They're khis kids not strangers and it's part of caretaking...what would be weird and wrong to me is leaving them in a shitty diaper or not bathing them.Anyway...I dont' know...sigh

mscherry42 Sun Oct 12, 2008 5:59 pm

I totally agree. He needs to act like a parent, and just suck it up. The more he does it, the more normal it will become. Contrary to popular male belief, we're not born with the instinct to like changing pissy and sh*tty diapers on sons or daughters!!

skyllar Sun Oct 12, 2008 7:48 pm

I have to say, DH changes diapers all the time - no big deal. I remember right after Kian was born (the first night in the hospital) DH changed his first diaper ever and Kian's first diaper (he was very proud -- and so was I, :lol: ) and since then he is changing Kian at least half the time (if not more). Especially since I went back to work and DH stays home with Kian... I am very lucky! Smile/happy

24Penguins Sun Oct 12, 2008 9:05 pm

omg!!! OT but you are lucky!!! lol, can your hubby give my DF lessons??

**Mum of jj** Mon Oct 13, 2008 3:51 am

DH didnt do much of this sort of thing with jesse, he would if he had too, he would never bath him either until he was a bit bigger like when jesse could sit in the bath without help, now jesse loves to have a both or shower with daddy and hubby doesnt mind.
He does a lot more this time round tho, he has changed kiers heaps and gets him dreassed and will bath him if im running a bit late with household things, he will run a bath for him and jes then i get kiers ready for bath and swap kids with him. so its a great help, but i do understand what your going through as i found it so frustrating first time round.
Maybe wait till she has done a poo when your hubby is home, and say look she needs changing could you please do it i really have to just go out to the shop, will be back in 10. just throw him in the deep end

24Penguins Mon Oct 13, 2008 7:56 am

Mum of jj wrote:Maybe wait till she has done a poo when your hubby is home, and say look she needs changing could you please do it i really have to just go out to the shop, will be back in 10. just throw him in the deep end

OMG i love this idea!!! lol! thats so funny, but i would feel bad for her if he hadnt changed her by the time anel got back from the store :cry:

Guest Mon Oct 13, 2008 12:44 pm

Removed post.

Tonglen guy Mon Oct 13, 2008 1:21 pm

WTF?

How about this - He helped create the kid, so he should expect to help care for the kid. What's so hard about that?

Don't like poopy diapers? Get a box of latex gloves. Sounds pretty simple to me.

It may be a case of new dad jitters - "Jeez, I'm going to drop her or something." There are three things in life that seem universal - death, taxes, and the well known substance. We all deal with 'em at some point; I'll just kinda keep that first one on the back burner for a bit yet.

**Angel** Mon Oct 13, 2008 2:57 pm

Well thats how I think as well TG.However,he did say the other night,when I tried to show him. "I will change one if I need to" (me being away when she poops or something) just while I'm here he hates to do anything unpleasant.He has a very stressful job and often works 50 hrs a week from home,he is here now while he wasnt before.He just think that since he earns the money,I take care of bills,kids,n house.I said that was sexist.He offered to get us a maid.I don't want a maid.Although I am not great at housework.I also think,given the choice,he would rather hire a nanny or call his mum over than change a diaper or give the babt a bath.He gets all pissed off when I mention it.Worst thing?His gma totally agrees with this becase thats how she was raised 'servig the man" Its no ones fault and not a criticism on her,it's just how they were reaised here back then.I however,am not from here and not.

TG if you want to have a better understanding of the dynamics of our relatinship,please check the (parental relatiosnhips) chore sharing thread.or maybe it's the In laws one,I expain it all there,rather tha writing it twice.!I would love to get your take on it! Smile/happy

**Angel** Mon Oct 13, 2008 3:05 pm

OK,I found it...If you care to read it.Sorry it's so long.

I agree mscherry,its not a question of masculinity (btw,I admire your hubby even more for what he does,couldnt pay me enough),more a question,oh helping the one you love (in this case,me)Dont get me wrong,he does once a week maybe do the dishes in the dishwasher and crush the cans for us,put out trash SOMETIMES and or mow the lawn.Apart from that steps out of his clothes ,leaves there,never wipes pee off te toilet when he gets it there.I am messy too BUT when theres a big clean up,I do 97%,he never cooks co he cant,n doesnt want to.

I know why this is,his mother and gma treat him (still) like a god.He walks in their house and offer him food/drinks.when we stay there,he takes off his clothes in the bathroomm to bathe,then walks out leaving them on the floor,gma walks in a picks up clothes,put them straight in the washer.He wakes up,gets out of bed,she makes it.Its this eternal servitude attitude to men that I can do.He wants to be able to work so I can stay home.He said that if I work,he wants it to be coz I WANT to ,this is very sweet.(I am a SAHM) btw,with a 4 yr old n a newborn,I childmind 2 other kids in the week.I am from the uk and awaiting my work permit (this is why I have not yet been able to get a real job since I have been in the states.

Anyway,I love that he loves his job and wantsto provide finacially which he does very well.He has also recently started working from home.Before he had a 2 hour commute each way,which excuses him more from houseworkBut now he is home most days,I STILL have to ask him to watch the baby while I have a shower,he gets this pissed off look on his face,Like I am asking him to get the moon for me,I do all the laundry,cooking (although I dont cook all the time) and bill paying,financial management,which I try and do,its hard for me coz I am not great with maths!

Anyway enough of my complaining,but you can see why I am a little jealous.I love my hubby for who he is,however I do sometimes need more help/support and it makes me resentful that I dont get it

Tonglen guy Mon Oct 13, 2008 3:11 pm

As the saying goes, "do what works."

If he's willing to spring for some domestic help and your budget can handle it, now is probably a great time to get someone in for half a day a week, or maybe twice a week, to take care of vacuuming, whatever laundry needs doing, wiping down the kitchen counters, general cleaning and straightening up that can be so easy to slide. If you're the one who ends up doing all that and you have a newborn to deal with too, it's a recipe for exhaustion, resentment, isolation and depression.

So while you work on hubby to take on child rearing responsibility in a gradual way, give yourself a break and leave the cleaning to someone who can come in, be efficient, get it done, be glad to be doing it and who can then get out with a check. You may find the timing is such that the money is very well spent. Heck - he brought it up.

**Angel** Mon Oct 13, 2008 3:26 pm

Agreed,he did offer BUT,to be honest,I am not doing too badly with the housework and if it were to make any differenc,ehalf a day a week would not help,it would have to be full time.Also I dont want anyone messing with my laundy (Long time child hood phobia,wont go into deats) so no one can help with thay.besides I dot ind laundry,t's really just cooking,the kitchen and the kdis that I need help with if anythingI manage w=quite well if we have a slobby day or 3 it's not the end of the world!

I just wish he would take some initiative sometimes!

Tonglen guy Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:02 pm

Angel wrote:Agreed,he did offer BUT,to be honest,I am not doing too badly with the housework and if it were to make any differenc,ehalf a day a week would not help,it would have to be full time.Also I dont want anyone messing with my laundy (Long time child hood phobia,wont go into deats) so no one can help with thay.besides I dot ind laundry,t's really just cooking,the kitchen and the kdis that I need help with if anythingI manage w=quite well if we have a slobby day or 3 it's not the end of the world!

I just wish he would take some initiative sometimes!

Hmmmm.... "not doing too badly" sounds as if a respite might be a good thing. If you need more help, like full time, go for it even for six months.

I'm hearing resistance to something that could take stuff off your shoulders for a temporary time. Is it really so important to resist some help? Sure, he needs to take more initiative - but that may be a gradual thing.

In the meantime, if help is expensive it will send him a message that kind of answers the "what do you do all day anyway" question that some hubbies find themselves asking, (of course, immediately recognizing their mistake - a bit like realizing that a cup of gasoline and a lit fire don't mix, just as the eyebrows disappear).

Give yourself a break - it's OK! Hire someone to cook dinner! It's OK! You work hard and if there is a way for you to lighten the load a bit, then lighten it!

24Penguins Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:25 pm

Tonglen guy wrote:In the meantime, if help is expensive it will send him a message that kind of answers the "what do you do all day anyway" question that some hubbies find themselves asking, (of course, immediately recognizing their mistake - a bit like realizing that a cup of gasoline and a lit fire don't mix, just as the eyebrows disappear).

LMAO!!!

but seriously, i wish more guys had the same perspective as you TG! DF told me flat out once that if was a SAHM he would prolly resent me, even if the house was clean, dinner was on the table, the laundry was all done and put up, and the kids were happy when he got home from work!!! i couldnt believe that, lol needless to say we had a lovely discussion on the subject!!

i think hes starting to see my side of things a bit now cause i just had my surgery, so he is having to play my role on top of working (although he hasnt been back to work yet, but he goes back tomorrow lol). now that hes having to do all the baths AND all the diaper changes, plus feeding her and everything else, and take her to daycare and pick her up in the afternoons, and then try and get the dishes and laundry done and make food (lol, hes got a real good grilled cheese...) i think hes starting to see what i do everyday and why it doesnt all get done.

but really IMO i can see both sides of the whole hiring a maid thing. i mean no way can we afford it, but if we could i would be slightly embarrassed. i mean we are not really that messy, but i still feel like i would have to go through the whole house and get everything completely cleaned up first and then hire someone for maintenance. LOL i dont know why, i shouldnt care what a maid thinks of me, i mean thats what they get paid to do, but still i wouldnt want them to come in and think im some slob. then i would feel weird that they were cleaning up our messes like i should be doing it. i suppose its something you get used to, but it would def. be awkward for me in the beginning at least.

**Angel** Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:41 pm

bollocks!I didnt send my post by accident ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH :angry:

24Penguins Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:42 pm

awwww!!! i HATE it when i do that and hit the wrong button or something and my post gets deleted!! it only ever happens when youve written out a book too, lol like it never happens to a one line response where it would be easy to retype it.

mscherry42 Tue Oct 14, 2008 8:49 am

DF has already told me that if we were "rich" we still wouldn't hire a maid. He said nobody should be in our house cleaning what we should be. Hell, if I am ever "rich" in the sense, that money is no longer an issue for pretty much anything, we're getting a maid. Just because I'll want a much bigger house and I hate dusting! But, I can see his point. But, we both work full time, and I don't cook on the days that I work, period! So, if we afford someone to do light upkeep housework and have dinner waiting when we get home, I'm all for it. We're not slobs, far from it, but it would so help.

Tonglen guy Tue Oct 14, 2008 9:18 am

mscherry42 wrote:I totally agree. He needs to act like a parent, and just suck it up. The more he does it, the more normal it will become. Contrary to popular male belief, we're not born with the instinct to like changing pissy and sh*tty diapers on sons or daughters!!

I agree, except for the part about "popular male belief." Not necessarily so. The truth is likely to be more that neither of us is born with that instinct, but its something that gets done because well, it has to be done. When you're thinking about the baby, all this other stuff ("ewwww... never saw that color before") is basically irrelevant. If he focuses on how good it must feel for the kid to have a clean, dry and powdered bottom, it'll make all the difference.

Sounds like he's never had any care taking experience and all of a sudden he's in over his head. He needs to build confidence that he can do it and, no, there's nothing weird about making sure a two month old daughter's vulva is clean. He's now a parent and that is a parent's responsibility.

He could use some parenting guidance. Men are conditioned to "never" need or ask for help. It's one of the stupid things expected of us since we were old enough to talk. Well, sometimes we do need help. There are workshops all over the place for new parents and if he went to one, I bet he'd find other new fathers there as well. Don't be pissed at him, but do whatever you can to help him grow into his new role.

mscherry42 Tue Oct 14, 2008 9:22 am

TG,
I like that idea about new fathers classes. DF caught on quickly, but he has not qualms about asking for help, hell, I think he's mastered it with me! But, yeah, they could go together, if her DH is willing.

24Penguins Tue Oct 14, 2008 10:26 am

thats a really cool way to look at it TG. im glad DF will ask for help with the baby stuff lol!! i mean, he wont really ask for help with anything else!!! hahaha, hes a typical guy though lol

**Lily*Blossom** Tue Oct 14, 2008 11:35 am

My DH was really worried about changing a little girl..... but now he's fine with it. He gives her a bath every night as well.

I wish your Hubby would get over it Angel. However... I think that his mother and grandmother just did everything for him, and he doesn't know any different. He needs to change her diaper, and then he will see it's not a biggy.

Great topic Angel Smile/happy

**Angel** Tue Oct 14, 2008 12:21 pm

Tonglen guy wrote:
mscherry42 wrote:I totally agree. He needs to act like a parent, and just suck it up. The more he does it, the more normal it will become. Contrary to popular male belief, we're not born with the instinct to like changing pissy and sh*tty diapers on sons or daughters!!

He could use some parenting guidance. Men are conditioned to "never" need or ask for help. It's one of the stupid things expected of us since we were old enough to talk. Well, sometimes we do need help. There are workshops all over the place for new parents and if he went to one, I bet he'd find other new fathers there as well. Don't be pissed at him, but do whatever you can to help him grow into his new role.

Well,before baby girl was born they had a "new daddys'evening at toys r us,free where they teach the basics of diaper changing,I suggested it,offered to go and he politely insinuated that he didnt need to.I ALSO bought him a book called the expectant father...He flipped through it and never picked it up again.I was SO pissed.

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