it might be over

im at my moms house right now with kaydance. i dont know if we are going to go home tonight or just spend the night here.

ill sum up everything without going into to many details for all of you that dont know my situation. if you wanna know somthing i left out just ask, im open to share about it all.

DF goes out every fri and sat night from at least 9pm to anywheres from midnight to 2am. sometimes he goes out on sunday too, but not as often. it doesnt matter what i say or do, he wont come home earlier or stay home a night. i sit at home and listen to the baby sleep while he goes out and has fun with his friends every weekend. we have had numerous serious talks about this and he always promises to do better and hes always sorry, but nothing ever changes. im tired of talking about it. i feel bad cause i want to believe him when he says he will change or do better or that hes sorry, but i cant anymore, cause every time i have its just hurt me the next weekend when nothing changes. it makes me feel like he doesnt care about me or how i feel. plus, he spends any extra money he has on his car when i am struggling to keep food on the table and keep diapers on kaydances hiney.

we had a big fight last night, that never even got finished cause i got tired of talking to a brick wall and just went to bed. i got up this morning and spent like 2 hours sitting at the house with kaydance while he slept and then packed her a bag and gathered a few toys and headed to my moms house. we are still here at my moms, no word from DF. im sure he will just go on about his day like normal and not even bother to call until he realizes its past kaydances bedtime and we are still not home. if he even calls then.

im just so torn because i love him so much but im tired of being treated second best to his car and his friends. im tired of having my feelings stomed on like they dont matter. i just dont know what to do anymore.

i just feel like shit now.

Nika - I am so sorry honey that you are feeling low bcos of how your other half is behaving, I can imagine that I would get really frustrated at Rich if he was going out so often but thankfully for us he says he often gets bored with going out and would rather stay in, this is not how it used to be don't get me wrong he used to go out every Friday or Saturday night and come back at often 4am but as soon as we got married and started TTC, I saw a change in him..but hey this isn't really helping you is it, I am just waffling on about me and this is about you!

Can you stay with your Mum for a few days?? Will that make him think about his actions cos he realises what he would lose if you did leave him? Often people don't realise until it's too late BUT you could give him a taster of what it could be like to shake him up a bit?

OMG Nika, I am so sorry hun! I don't know what to say, except that your DF sounds like he needs to grow up, and put his family first. You have every right to feel the way you do, and I think if you have tried everything to get him to see your point of view, and change his ways, then perhaps a separation to evaluate the next step is what you need to do. Sometimes you have to back up to get a clearer picture, and this will either make him change, or prove that he never will.

If you need to talk, I am here for you. Most people don't know this, but I was married before this, very briefly, and for many reasons, I left him. It was a hard decision, but I am so happy with my current husband, even though we have our differences. I can totally relate to the decision you are facing, except with you having a baby it makes it so much harder. if you want, we can do live chat on here, or through gmail, or whatever.

Stay strong, we are all here for you.

Nika
I'm so sorry you are going through this! It takes a very strong person to leave (even temporarily) especially with a small child.
My sister has gone through a similar situation. When she was 8 mos pregnant her DH said he didn't want to be a father or husband. So, she moved home and had the baby and lived with my parents for a year and then got back together with DH and then they separated and got back together - over and over again.
I think she kept going back because in her mind the best thing for my nephew was to have two parents but now she knows that the best thing for my nephew was to leave an unhealthy situation.
I know right now it feels overwhelming but you WILL be ok!
We are all here for you and we love and support you no matter what decision you make.
Please keep us posted!

thanks guys. i really hope this will just be a break, some time away, like georgi said. who knows. its really up to him at this point i guess. i will find out if he is ready to grow up or if i have to do this my own. it just sucks so much cause he always makes me feel like im making a big deal out of nothing. even though i know im not, but i still have to question myself sometimes. at least my mom is reassuring me this is a big deal and im doing the right thing.

I am sorry hun.It must be so hard.LIsten,I agree with georgi,can you stay with your mum for a few days,dont call him,I would let him experiecne what it feels like in the house for a while,let him cook his own food,run out of clean clothes and hear the silence in the home without you.If he truely appreciates you he will ask you to come back.appologise and ask what he needs to do to change IMO.I would say 'look,if you want us to come back,then we need to agree on some fairness here.I need my time out with my friends as much as you do but right now,we have a baby and we also need time as a couple.If we dont get time as a couple then we may as well not be married.If you want to carry on living like a single guy (whihc he is IMO,spending extra money you dont have and leaving you alone ALL weekend EVERY weekend) then you are gonna have to leave."

If he sais he wont leave then tell him you will.It' s NOT fair! You are totally doing the right thing not over reacting,he needs a wake up call IMO.Just try and be strong now and remain emotionless when you talk to him so he can see that you don't neccessarily need him if he is going to be a selfish ass!Lean on your family and friends right now,thats what they're for/Be patient.I would give him at least a week.Don't call him,let him realise by himself that you deserve more ad that he being a dick! Thats my advice.We are here for you hun

sending you hugs1

thanks for all the advise everyone.

we just talked on msn. he imed me. we had a long conversation. im staying at my moms for at least tonight (with kaydance). he said he was going to try to find some food and really think things over. we are basically trying to decide now if this is going to end or not. i told him its really pretty much all on him now. i have a long ass msn convo if anyone wants to read it lol! but we will see eachother at work tomorrow morning, we both work for his fathers company so i will see him in the morning, but then he will go out and do field work while i work in the office, so at least we wont be together all day. he needs to figure out what he wants. His personal life or his family. i told him there is nothing wrong with having a personal life, but right now thats all he has, and if he keeps it up he wont have a family anymore. anyways there was a lot more to it than that, but i just cant type it all out again right now.

i just hope he really thinks long and hard tonight. my mom said me and kaydance could stay with her as long as we need to though, so im not pressured into going back home until im ready, or if it comes to it, he finds another place to stay.

thank you all so much for supporting me through all of this.

Wow, sounds like you had a rough and deep conversation. That is hard. I would give him his space, you take yours. Also, he needs to realize, that a family is such a better choice. His friends will eventually be growing up and putting their families first, and when they do, if he chooses his friends instead of his family, he will wind up completely and utterly alone.

Hang in there love, you are doing great.

tiff, your signature made me laugh so hard! lol, thanks for that.

i just saw him like 30 min ago cause i had one of his sets of keys that he will need to go to work tomorrow morning, so he came down to my moms really quick to pick them up. that was really really hard. i just wanted to hug him and hold him. i just love him so much. i know being away right now is for the best though, so hopefully he can realize what he wants, and what he needs to do. anyways, i gave him his keys, and he said he was just sittin at the house not really doing anything anyway, just thinking (which suprised me, i figured he would be out with his friends since i wasnt there) and he looked really upset. i hope he realizes how bad this is, i really dont want this to end. anyways he told me he loved me, and i told him i really did love him too, he gave me a quick peck, i think he was a bit afraid to kiss me, like i might turn away or somthing. then he just said he would see me in the morning, and looked right into my eyes. it was so hard not to just start crying right then.

i really do hope he will pull himself together. i will see him in the morning though, and see if he has anything to say.

doing good hun.hang in there.I'm sure he is sorry n loves you ,but thats not the issue,he need s to show you that he will stop being stupid for his family.I'm sure he will come round...van I suggest u write a letter ,make bullet points of what you need from him.Men need things spelld out for them,they dont take hints. just hold on a little,i'm sure things will work out.

Good job for staying strong. It sounds like he is still transitioning into becoming a responsible father/partner. The love is there, but as Angel said, the other issues need spelling out, a letter sounds like a great idea. He needs to put himself in your shoes, maybe he should take the baby one weekend while you go somewhere else, so he sees how hard coping alone can be.

he called in sick for work today, so now i have no idea whats going on. i thought we might have be able to talk at some point, but i suppose hes still thinking. i am going to have to go home shortly before i pick kaydance up for daycare though, seeing as i packed everything she would need and didnt even get my toothbrush or enough underwear lol! but im just going to leave work early to do that, because if things get out of hand i dont want her to be there.

I think he is probably having a serious think.I would grab your stuff but avoid talking to him unless he initiates it.I think it's deffinately worth letting him come to you!I woudl still do a letter,or even bullet points.

Sweet heart, nothing I say will make things better but I do feel for you. Men can be such arses at times. I'm lucky that my dh is good with his responsibilities but at times he really just doesn't realise how much stress I'm under. His family are so perfect, he has no social problems going on there and I feel I have the world on my shoulders at the moment. Feel free to vent as I think it helps to get it off your chest.

Will be thinking of you, hope it goes ok x

hey everyone. im back at home right now. his dad asked me what happened today while i was at work, he knew we had been having a hard time anyways. he went and talked to charles (DF), and asked him if he was really willing to loose his family over something so stupid. he told charles he needed to grow up and behave like a husband and a father. afterwards, charles came up to the shop (work) and we talked for a while. he started the whole thing by telling me that he hated last night, and if thats what his life would be like without me and kaydance, he would do whatever it took to get us back. he told me he is going to sell his car, and stop going out on the weekends, unless its a special occassion like a buddys birthday (only a few actually celebrate lol). then he told me he was getting a babysitter for friday night to take me to a movie ive been wanting to see, and then after we get the baby hes going to come home with us and spend time with me. im sort of in shock, when he told me all of this he started crying, he never cries, and it wasnt fake (he was trying to hide it). he also said we are going to use his inheritance on the family, and the wedding, not on his car habbits. the only money we are spending on his car is to pay off the balance if someone buys it, cause he owes more than its worth. he said that he realized how much more important me and kaydance are than his car.

im still reeling a bit. i came home with him, and we went and picked kaydance up at daycare together. she was SOOO happy to see him, i felt so bad cause i think she really missed him, and missed him tucking her in last night, but im also so gald we went to my moms, cause i think thats what it took. so im taking it slow, but now he knows if he breaks all his promises again, we will be gone, and not just for a night this time. i really hope hes growing up now.

thank you ladies sooo sooo much for being there for me, and keeping me strong, ive never had the courage to leave before, even just for one night. it was really hard to know it could end just like that, im just so thankful he didnt just give up like i thought he might.

Nika,
I just read what is going on and you got me in tears. I sooo hope that this is it for you and that he WILL change. Enjoy your movie on Friday, what a nice outting!! Lotsa love xxx

See!I knew he would come to his senses!well done babe!Great job!Sounds like he has had a wake up call.Now all his plans sound wonderful!How exciting.Lets hope to hear in detail of all the wonderful things you will do..including the wedding.Can I make your bouquet! See gallery!LOL! JK!so happy for you!xxxxxx

OMG.... I just saw the recent post. YAY!!! I am SO happy for you! Please keep us updated honey!!!!!

I"m so happy things are looking up hon! I've really been worried about you!

thank you all soooo much! i really wouldnt have been able to go through with all of this without all of you, and esp a few of you talking to me on AIM and MSN all night! lol. i really think this is going to be a good change for us.

just one thing i wanted to mention, since someone on another forum (no one here ) PMed me and brought this up.

i am not the one that said he cannot go out on the weekends ever, and its not somthing he had to agree to to get me to come back home. that was somthing he said, because he wanted to show me how much more important me and kaydance are to him than his car and hanging out in parking lots all night. if he needs to go out now and again (which i know he will, no one can be a complete hermit all the time) i have no problem with that, as long as its in moderation. he just cant go back to the way it was, all night all the time. and also, i am not making him sell his car. that was his idea, and i love the idea just because the damn thing is so expensive. i mean come on now, the car payment is $469.00 a month, and he drives it two days a week! so he had finally seen that we just dont have the money for such an expensive toy, and he has also seen how it is kind of a bottomless money pit. he said that me and kaydance will never be second to his car again.

he said the main changing point was after we talked on MSN last night, he just sat at the computer thinking about everything we talked about, and the screensaver came up and it was a huge picture of kaydance when she was a tiny baby, and he just wanted to cry knowing he may never get to see us every day again. he had to shut her bedroom door because he said otherwise he couldnt walk past her room knowing she wasnt sleeping in it. he said he could hardly sleep last night in bed alone knowing i wasnt coming home to sleep with him. i think he finally felt what i felt every time i had to go to bed alone yet again. he said he just couldnt live like that, not having us and he was going to do what it would take to make all three of us happy.

tonight has been really nice so far too, im probably going to get off the computer in a minute or two, and we are just going to enjoy eachothers company but i had to come and let you all know how it was going first