Some things can't be undone...

This weekend ,many of said things happened;

saturday night we were outside hanging out with the neighbours,generally having a nice time.Around 9:30 pm I noticed that hubby was a little stumbley and starting to get tipsy.I decided (against my better judgement) to have a word with him,so I pulled him aside and said 'hey it's only 9:30,do you think maybe you should slow down?' We both went inside and an argfument insued.He said ,I 'always get like this just before I get my period and it's always the same fight'He is right that it's always the same fight.but it's not always around my period ,maybe mostly it is,but I think it's more to do with my lacking ability to hold in what I think more than my hormones.He calls me phsyco the week before I get my period.We finger pointed and went back n forth,he ended that particular conversation by telling me once again that I 'suck' and walking out.I FURIOUS,went to the fridge,picked up his box of bud lights and threw them out the front door,I wasn't aiming at him and didn't hit him,but of course he sais I did aim at him and that I am pyscho for doing it.I was just so mad,I wanted to get the one thing out of the hosue that I think causes most if not all of our problems.

So,we both end up not knowing what to say,but we go back outside as if nothing's happend and continue to hang out with the neighbours.About 12:30-1am the party breaks up somewhat,I gol back in the house,Chuck is pretty drunk by now but still able to walk.Some of the neighbours say they are going to waffle house,so I go back inside to check my e-mails one last time and then go to bed.After about 20 mins,I wonder to myself'did chuck go with to the waffle house?' So I poke my head outside,no one was there anymore.I knew they didn't AL go.So I wandered a couple of doors down,and sure enough,our next door neighbour but one,(we'll call him steve)'s lights were on and party noises were coming from inside.So go and knock on the door just to see if he's there (mistake number 2) he is.So I call him outside and I ask him 'are you staying here tonight' I wont go into detail but the argument that ensues,is very one sided,with my trying to tell him he needs to go to bed (He is swaying so badly now and seems to be almost falling alseep standing up????,his eyes kept closing and he would act like he was going to fall)He wasn't making ANY sense,his answers to my questions were not at all relevent.and he starts to say dark,random things,All the while we are standing on a completely screend in porch(this is relevent you'll see) he is talking to me still,very close,in my face.I can't back away coz there is a chair behind me.At one point,he puts his face next to mine and sais 'I have nothing to live for NOTHING'.Both times when he says 'nothing' he pushes my face with his,which I found not only really strange but unpleasent and it almost made me fall the second time.So,as I couldnt back up.I yelled 'get the f**k away from me' and pushed him back,being as drunk as he was,he stumbled back,fell down against the screen and ended up on the floor.He got up and started to make his way out of the porch.I started to leave too but he turned and slammed the little door in my face repeatedly.By this time,I backed up with my hands in the air,he pushed it closed once more,hard and I don't know if he meant to do it,but he punched a holde through it :O
I said 'what the f**k are you doing breaking people's shit?go home to bed!'

He started walking toward our house and as he passed the house next to ours,he some how ftripped over a flower pot,and fell (without putting his hands out) hard onto the concrete path.He lay there for a minute,I asked if he was alright.I was by now crying and shaking becuase I didn't know WHO this psycho was,it wasn't my husband.Anyway,he got up and went inot the house.I went back to my other neighbours house (otherside of steve's) who we'll call 'katie'.I knocked on her door.She was in her kitchen and saw me and came out.I was crying so hard at first I couldn't tell her what was wrong.She listened and then went to see what hubby was doing.She came back and said he was just standing at the back door waitin for me.Then he came out and over to her porch where I was sitting.He was clapping his hands at me and telling me to 'get the f**k in the house and go to fucking bed' I said calmly "I'll be there in a minute" he kept saying 'no,get in there NOW' I was stunned because although,he has said stuff like that to me before.He has never said it in front of anyone else.Katie was trying to difuse the situation and keep it light hearted bless her.just then we get another call from our firend who has had a fight with HER boyfriend.I wont go into details but Katie said in order to break us up; 'Hey I am gonna take Holi with me,to see if ...... is ok,we'll be right back,you stay home with the kids Chuck. So he said 'whatEVER' and went back to our backdoor ans stood there waiting for me to get back I guess.

An other long story short,we went to our firends house.Stayed there about 20 minsthen came back,all in all we were prbably gone half an hour to 40 mins.We pulled up outside and I prayed that he would have passed out on the couch.No such luck,he was sitting outside smoking.I went to my door,opened it and went in.The scene that greeted me was one I can only describe as 'insanity and chaos'.I stood at the door of our kitchen,unable to get by becuase the HUGE(over 6ft tall) refrigerater/freezer had been pulled over (it's not something that can accidently happen.) it was on it's side,the contents of the freezer and fridge lay on the linolium,the wall and cupboard door were scratched/goughed by the fridges fall.Food was everywhere.A basket (the was on top of the fridge) with all our medical stuff in was strewn across the floor ,pill bottles smashed,pills everywhere.The recycling boxes (previously full of cans and cardboard boxes) was thrown everywhere.A chair was knocjked over and you couldn't walk anywhere without stepping on something.I was shocked and turned on my heal to walk out.I went and got Katie and she came to see and stood there also in shock.She tried to ask Chuck to go to bed,but he woulnd't he stood there being creepy and laughin at us as we tried to lift the fridge back up.She helped my clean but the whole time he stood there saying that "I was psycho and that a week of the month I was insane and made no sense' Katie just kept making little jokes and suggesting in between that he go to bed.He refused but eventually passed out on the recliner.I finished cleaing up and she left.She was shocked I think.I recorded 8 miinutes of that 'kitchen scene' so that I could show him thee next day,but have yet to do so.

Yesterday,most of the day we didn't speak.Until the evening when I went to bed.I went early because I had four hours sleep the night before.I was surprised when he came up to bed about 1am and tried it on with me.I was like 'um NO WAY,we need to fix things before any thing like that happend'.Oddly he said 'I'm asking you!' so weird.But he didn't do anything else.instead we got into it again abotu what happend.I tried to tell him we'd talk in the morning (he's had beer again) and I was tired.but he slapped on the light and yanked off the covers.So we got into it.He said that it was MY fault for being a psycho every month.He said that I had caused it all to happen.I told him that was ridiculous and that he should take repsonsability for his actions.I said it was like a guy who just hit his wife sayign 'you made me do that' without reason or grounds.he said 'based on what you told me happend.I have made a fool out of myself and can't show my face again (he parked out front to not be seen by the neighbours) and 'you have ruined and isolated me'. He is convinced that everythign that happened is because of me.That if I hadn't started it with MY problem (the drinking issue) then everything would have been fine.Then of course it's tit for tat about my lack of cleaning and doing nothign all day,then my parenting skills,or lack there of in his opinion.Attacking me in deffense I know.I said many mean things that I can't even say I regret.He called me many names and we both said things we couldnt take back.We ended up concluding that we both bring out things in each other that we never knew we were capable of,him being agressive and violent in ways he didn't think possible and yelling at his wife in public.Me,throwing beer cans and wanrting to (not doing it but wanting to) hit him as hard as I could across the face many times.

We both agreed that I am not going to be hapy until he quits drinking and makes an effort to stop.He doesnt think HE has a problem,he thinks it mine and has said before 'if you don't like it,f**k off' he knows it's not as simple as that,buthe still sais it. I said 'I was making an effort with the cleaning,we had a girlcoming to help me once a week,but she couldnt come last week and I WAS trying at least and willing to accpet Ihad a problem but I wasn't getting anything back' he said 'bullshit,I wasb't trying and that I was lying' I said I didn't want to be married to someone who things I am a lier,sais it to me,calls me mean names and sais things like 'I would stop the earth from spininng if it meant 5 more minutes of your happiness' but whenI tell him the one thing that makes me unhappy,he refuses to change it,or even entertain the idea of it.Also,I was upset that he destryed the house with the kids asleep upstairs,what if Teo had woken up and come down?He ALWAYS yells when we fight when he's drunk,so far Teo hasn't woken up but he COULD and I told him I think it's unacceptable that he doesn t give a shit about something so potentially damaging to a child he's supposed to love.

I have had enough,he has had enough of me (so he sais) not doing his laundry (he ALWAYS has somehting to wear he just can't always find it because I am always leaving it in different places,but I HAD been getting up and laying him out some clothes to wear to stop him from having to 'look for them'.Anyway...sticks n stones...doesnt matter.We agreed that it can't be fixed because He doesnt WANT to change.I did want to change but not if he's gonna carry on like this.I still want to change for me andf the kids but even after allowing the arguement to go on all this time.I STILL don't think you can compare his problem with alcohol to mine with cleaning and housekeeping.I think he is just clutching at straws.

I don't know whats going on,we talked about separating,but he won't input on the plan.He said 'you started it,you decide waht to do.He won't tell me what to do or make any suggestions.I was waiting for him to suggest couple counselling or something,but no,he sais I started it,so I do what I do and finish it.I asked him if he would just let me walk away with the kids?He wouldnt really give me an answer.I don't know what to do.I can't get a house and a job or anything.I think I will just stay put here and he can do what he wants.I am sick of the drinking thing though and if it's not going to change,I can't stay.You could say 'if you just left him alone none of it would happen.But I can't leave it alone,I have so many reasons for hating the drinkin and theway that he does it.And the way thins are with summer being here.All our neighbours ourstide grilling partying all weekend and some of the week,it's not going to be easy for him to say no,he drinks everynight,although not to that extent.he was drinnking 7 pints,but now he just buys a 12pack of 12oz cans everynight.I can't and don't keep track anymore.There is so much wrong with all of it.But he is determined that it's my fault.I embaressed him,I caused him to make a fool out of himself and it's all because of a) my hormones b) my problem with his drinking c) all of the above.

I am just kind of numb right now.Like sheryl crow sais "I can't cry anymore' I was hoping we could fix it before the direspect sets in,the gap between us grows to wide to patch and everything we love about eachother becomes a distant memory.I think I was tyring,mayve I could have tried harder,in fact I COULD have tried harder with the cleaning,I have NO excuse,but I still think it's better than him not trying at ALL.I am willing to asmit when I am wrong,I am willing to say sorry.but the way he talks about me now.I am this evil,selfish,maipulative little psycho and I don't understand how he would wan tot be with that either.We're in stalemate right now and no one knows what to do or say.I am waiting for his next move.All opinions welcome as I am not sure if he is right or not about it being 'my' fault.I still thinkg that although what I did was wrong and my timing was bad on some things.That it's not an excuse for what he did back AND it's not MY fault that he did WHAT he did and embaressed himself.

Oh I don't know help!thanks for reading!

Holi My love,
I would like to first say that: It's not your fault.
Chuck has a drinking problem. One that he has not admitted fully to yet. Until he does, this is the way it's going to be. Noone can make Chuck stop but Chuck. I'm just sorry that you and the kids need to deal with that.
Have you asked him about rehab?

Secondly; he's handeling this as a child would. Tipping over the refrigerator is a very agressive act. He could have hurt himself and he could have ruined your fridge. His agressiveness needs to stop, it's unacceptable around children...or anyone for that matter.

Thirdly; what an embarrasment to you. Having your neighbors get involved to try and control him and see the damage he inflicts while drunk. I don't think I'd show my face again. Hopefully he gets some embarrassment from it as well. Time to show him that video.

Lastly; If he's putting it all on you to decide what to do about your situation, get drastic Holi...it's the only way he will know that you're serious. You need to make a plan and put it in motion. I'm sorry that he's left it all upon you to decide 'your' future...but this maybe his cry for help.

(((hugs))) Reading this I just feel terrible for you hun. So fnucking what if you don't have his clothes laid out for him...he's a big boy, he has 2 hands...grow up already. You never asked to be his mother as well.
Think about your children and the memories that they will carry for the rest of their lives.

Holi, I have tears in my eyes right now. So much of what you said, the emotions, just bring back the times I was with my alcoholic boyfriend. But I didn't live with him and didn't have kids with him -- your situation is so much worse in that regard.

You can't change him, we all know that, only Chuck can change Chuck...when he's ready. But please please please get yourself some help. See a counselor. If you can't afford it, please go to some Alanon meetings (they're free). You need to heal yourself and take care of yourself, for you AND the kids.

Ex-boyfriend and I had a terrible night once upon a time, so similar in some ways to what you just wrote. It ended up with me in an emergency room getting x-rays after he punched me in the eye. I don't want that to EVER be you. Yeah, I didn't think my ex would ever hurt me either...

Beth said what I was going to say. Call around today and see if you can find an Alanon meeting to go to. I have an online friend who struggled with her husband's drinking problems for ears and years, she recently started going to their meetings. After the first one she was very negative, but since then she has been talking about how they help her so much to sort herself out.

I would move your medications somewhere safer. If he did that to the fridge once he'll most likely do it again, and you don't want to risk those sweet little ones getting their hands on some pills.

I am sorry you are going thru this, I don't really know what to say but here's a hug (((((Holi)))) and I will keep you and the little ones in my thougths and prayers.

Oh Holi,

I am so sorry to hear about all of this. Everyone has already given you great advice. I just wanted to say that if you ever need anything or even just to vent I am usually around. There is nothing you can really do until Chuck wants to take charge of his own life and the life he has with you and the kids. It isn't your fault for his behavior. He does make his own choices. Just be careful with the little ones around. Teo could be hearing things but too afraid to come down or say anything and it really does impact them. You will be in my prayers.

Thanks everyone.Your words mean a lot to me! We havnt really spoken much today.I know he is down about it.He is at work and is feeling very blah.I am not sure which part he feels sad about.I think it might be more an embaressment thing.he's so concerned about how he's humiliated himself!Anyway,we'll see.I will update youguys when we have talked again and make a decision.

Holi, I honestly don't think you did anything wrong!!! You just want your hubby home and him being drunk made it worse then it was suppose to be. He needs to be home with his family, not out binge drinking!!

I hope you figure something out hun!

holi i am at work, i feel awful but have no time to respond the way i want to. just wanted to say that we have a very big house not 20 min away from you and if you EVER need a place to stay with the kids, dont hesitate to call. you were there for me, its the least i can do for you, and i dont mind one bit. i havnt told charles whats goin on with you and chuck but he gets very upset to hear of anyone esp women and children being mistreated in any way and would do anything to help, so you coming to stay is NO problem! ill be back later after dinner to post more, sorry so quick! call me seriously if you need to! *hugs*

Holi, I'm just so sorry to hear what happened. I very much agree with what's been said. First & most important, not one tiny bit of this is your fault, it's all his choices he's making. Please don't for a second think it's your fault, in this sense it has nothing to do with you because it's all his issues. Of course, though, it has everything to do with you because the consequences are yours & your kids to bear, which is the real sad part of it all. I agree with mommabear that the kids may well be aware of more than you realize.

It's a good idea to connect with al-anon or any kind of help for yourself, even if he won't seek help just yet. You could also call a hotline for abuse - they would have resources to give you tips on dealing with all of this. I only have resources & numbers for places in Canada but I'm sure there are free, anonymous lines you could call in your state too.

Please know you're not alone and that we love you, and that you are not at all to blame for any of this. Remember, you are full of so much worth and are deserving of love of respect, not to be treated like this. ((((((holi)))))))
xoxoxox

OMG Holi, i am so sorry I wish you could just come and stay with me. What you are describing is a very bad thing. this is not ok and this is also NOT going to change. I really don't think it will. I know that is not what you need to hear, but its HIS problem!!!! HE is the one in the wrong, not you! I wish I could say more, but i honestly am speechless. Im gonna talk to ray.

Thanks again,everyone for your kind words of support.I was surprised that everyone thinks I am right ,I was sure someone would have said; 'you should have left him alone,or you shouldnt have throw a pack of beer 'at' him and it wouldnt have happened.I do accpet some blame for trying to reason with a drunk guy.I should have known better and this whole thing probably could have been avoided but it doesnt matter now.What matters is the present and the future.So last night,he came home,no 12 pack,with 2 video games for his xbox.He promptly turned it on and played it all night without a word.As I was going to bed,I sat down in front of him and told him that i support what he's doing.He said he's completely alone and can't fix what was done in front of o9ur neigbours.He said he wants to move and is parkng the car out front of the house so he doesnt have to see any of them.He is deeply ashamed,I'm just not so sure about which part.Then as we kept talking.I was asking him very gently what he was sorry about,and he said ;I think I just fucked thins up pretty bad' again he didn't say exactly what,but he cried!he actually cried!In the 3 years I have been with him,we have seen deaths of friends and family and I have not ONCE EVER seen this man shed a single tear,or even well up come to think of it.But he sat there and a few actually ran down his face.It was a sorry thing to see I can tell you.All I could do was feel bad for him,he is a good person,when he is not drunk,deeply caring and loving.He knows he needs to change because I have told him now that I wont stay with him.So we'll see.I will keep you all posted,thanks for the support!

That sounds so positive hun. For a man to cry when he never has before, he must realise how bad things got. Deep down he doesnt want to loose you all the kids, lets just hope its enough to help him stop drinking. I really hope things start looking up for you sweet. remember we are all here for you whenever you need us. xoxoxoxox

Well.That didn't last long.He brought home a 9 pack of 16 oz drank 7 of them plus at least 2 12 oz bud light limes that he had left over. :/ I went to bed not saying anything.he came up n gave me a hug,I lay awake for 3 hours last night,exasuted but unable to sleep.I don't know what to say or do now.

sounds like he's addicted... I'm so sorry Holi

i am so sorry hun. i really dont know what advice to give you either i wish i could be more helpful. but my previous offer still stands even if you just want to get away for an afternoon, an evening, or if you want to spend the night(s).

Holi I'm sorry that it was so short-lived. It's unfortunately a really typical pattern for there to be a 'honeymoon' phase after an incident like there was, when he apologizes and wants to change. It's just time before it happens again because unless he gets some serious help, it will just keep happening. Sometimes the cycle could last months before repeating, or sometimes it can be days. You've got to be really careful. I think all the suggestions that were said earlier about getting help for yourself are still important, even if it's a good day with him.

It really, really wasn't your fault. There's no way that the choices you made, even if you threw the beer, would deserve or cause the reaction from him. There's absolutely no way it's your fault, it just doesn't matter what you did because you never, ever deserve to be treated that way.

We love you Holi!

sapphire wrote:Holi I'm sorry that it was so short-lived. It's unfortunately a really typical pattern for there to be a 'honeymoon' phase after an incident like there was, when he apologizes and wants to change. It's just time before it happens again because unless he gets some serious help, it will just keep happening. Sometimes the cycle could last months before repeating, or sometimes it can be days. You've got to be really careful. I think all the suggestions that were said earlier about getting help for yourself are still important, even if it's a good day with him.

It really, really wasn't your fault. There's no way that the choices you made, even if you threw the beer, would deserve or cause the reaction from him. There's absolutely no way it's your fault, it just doesn't matter what you did because you never, ever deserve to be treated that way.

We love you Holi!

thanks hun.Love you too!

Again and again,thanks all for your support anmd kind words.Nika,I will bear in mind what you said! thanks

As for us,we have talked and he has admitted loads of things.Long story short he wants to see a shrink.I hope it helps,may take some time,but he knows and realisez that I meant what I said,so we'll see.I do love him and he is a lovely person.Just someone else when he drinks.I domn't think he realized HOW different he was/is when he does,I'l keep you guys posted!xxx

OMG Angel, I am so sorry you have been going through this. I honestly had no idea hun

Unfortunately I have no suggestions as to how to deal with this situation, I honestly don't know what I would do and it's probably easy for me to say "well I would do this" or "I would do that" but it's so different when you are in that situation.

I really really hope he is sorry for what he put you through and not just ashamed of how he acted in front of the neighbours. YOU should be his priority, not what other people think of him. Once you lose respect for him that should mean alot more than what his neighbours think of him.

I have to agree with what has been said already, you can't change him, he has to want to change himself and it really doesn't matter what you say or do, unless he REALLY wants to change himself he isn't going to. You have to make him understand that if he doesn't change he WILL lose his family, that has to be reality for him and if he still choses booze over his family then I don't know what will work. You know yourself that this is not a good environment for your children and as they get older they will pick up on whats going off.

Holi you are a very strong woman and I really do hope you can both work this out. If he does manage to give up the booze he is going to need ALOT of love and support and I am sure you are up to the job, but if he can't do it then I think you both need to make some major decisions about your future.

im glad that he is going to go see a therapist holi! that is most definitely a step in the right direction. maybe the therapist might be better at getting the ideas you have been trying to in his head. i know that when me and charles went to our first couples counseling session, i was AMAZED at how well the woman got charles to open up, and he was talking freely about so many things. its so hard for me to do. and since then he has realized that things really do work out better in the end if you talk instead of clamming up and shutting down. i really hope that this is going to be a great thing for chuck and that he is doing it for the right reasons (for himself mainly!) and that this really makes some great changes in his life (which in turn will make more GREAT changes in your life!!)

well, hopefully soon we can at least hang out, get both our minds off our man troubles LOL!

OMG, Holi. I just read this through. I know that you and I talked on the phone recently, but to actually read it all written out is scary.

I am so sorry that he once again bought alcohol after he promised not to. That is so sad. I hope that seeing a counselor will help. I don't know if talking will be enough though, I think he needs some kind of rehab, I'm just being honest.

Did you get that book I told you about? A Million Little Pieces? It's an amazing book. The author who wrote it about himself is also like Chuck and didn't want anything religious when he was dealing with his addiction... but found a way through it anyway. They author is James Frey.

I hope you get things sorted hon. I love you. Call me any time.

xxxxxxxx

Princess_Longbottom wrote:Did you get that book I told you about? A Million Little Pieces? It's an amazing book. The author who wrote it about himself is also like Chuck and didn't want anything religious when he was dealing with his addiction... but found a way through it anyway. They author is James Frey.

I heard that book was good, one of Oprah's chosen books. I was going to buy it at a yard sale once, but the lady wouldn't give me a price and I don't do the yard saling thing, so I just left it there.

I missed the updates last week to this thread.....Glad to hear he wants to see a therapist. I don't want to say this, but I hope it's just not another empty promise to make things better. Has he followed through on this yet? I don't mean to be preachy, but it's like the 12-step program of AA says, he needs to admit that he is powerless over alcohol. Have you looked in to Alanon for youself? I really think it could help you.

Reading through the other posts reminded me of a time with my ex-boyfriend. I didn't throw beer at him, but I did steal it all after he passed out and threw the glass bottles out my car window one by one as I drove from his house. Yeah, probably not the brightest thing to do either. Hope that makes you smile at least a little.

hehe,ys beth it made me smile...not sure if he will follow through...will update more when I get back from TN

Holi.
I don't know how I missed this thread when I got back from vacation. I'm so sorry you're still going through this. I too do not think you were wrong. Hell, I actually wish you had actually hit him with the beer. I witnessed my mom's abusive relationship with my dad when I was a kid, and it sucked. It never got better. And he was one of those men who seldom cried. But, when he felt that my mom was at her breaking point, he mustered up some tears. The first few times, they got to her too, but eventually she realized that his man tears no longer affected her, and that his surface remorse was not enough to keep her around. I'm scared for you. He sounds a bit more aggressive than he was in the past when he drank. Just be care, Holi. As a mother, I must ask you this, if Tia Li were going through this with her husband, what would be your advice to her? I ask this because if it's not acceptable for our daughters to have to go through, then it's not for us either. Hugs to you, and you will be in my prayers.