My Unchosen Mother...

This has really been starting to bother me, so I thought I'd share it with me most caring ladies in the world

If I could chose my own mother I'd be in heaven. I have lived with an alcoholic mother for 18 years of my life and we never got along because I spoke my feelings out loud and it has gotten me in plenty of trouble. My sister on the other hand is like pinky tight best friends with her until now....

We drove 10 hours in January to visit our family. We spent a week, so we stayed half a week at my moms and half a week at my FIL's. The last night I spent at my moms before going off to my FIL's the next afternoon, I had a friend over visiting and my mom was eavesdropping. After my friend left I didnt' realize I said something not to be said to my best friend of many years (my mom used to babysit her 10 years OLDER brother way back). She confronted me and told me it wasnt' in my place to tell her that my sister was sleeping with her boyfriend......what I told my best friend was that my sister and her boyfriend had stayed the night and slept together, something along those lines, but did not intend it to mean 'sex'. I explained to my mom this and she said that I wouldnt' like it if someone talked like that about me. I told her that people talk (not that my intentions were to tell my best friend my sis was having sex, that wasn't what it was meant to sound) and that people whisper behind my back that I have cancer, so I am used to people talking about me....anyways that's besides the point.

DF came back in the house and we didn't seem to have solved our argument...really don't think so. I was still upset that she would start up such a STUPID USELESS fight. So I went up to bed where Audrey was sleeping so she could NOT disturb me. She apparently came up to tell me to sleep in her bed, but didn't hear her under Audrey's classical music. She went back downstairs and DF said to her that if I went to bed angry he wouldn't bother me. So anyways she told him that if I'm mad then she wasn't getting up in the morning.

When I woke up in the morning 6:30am, we waited for my mom until 9am (we were planning on leaving after lunch, and my mom was up at 6am all the other days with us), so I went up to wake her and ask her if she was going to get up to hang out with Audrey. She seemed to ignore me, pretending she was sleeping, so I rubbed her arm and asked again, still not sign, then I apologized for the night before and she flipped over to the other side to ignore me. I went downstairs and started bawling soooo badly couldn't believe what my mom just did (we drove 10 hours to be treated like that and + I apologized). DF said we should just leave then, so he got everything in the car and we were about ready to leave when she came down the stairs and went out for a smoke. I was shocked that she would confuse me like that. Apparently she told DF while they were both smoking that I starting sh!t again this morning....DF supported me and said that I didn't. So she came back in and in about the 30 minutes we stayed and waited to see what was on her mind, she went out for a smoke like 3 times and NEVER said a word to me. She did say goodbye to Audrey (I'm starting to cry just typing this)...and I kissed my mom on the forehead and thanked her for having us and we left at about 10am ( a few hours earlier then originally planned ).

We then went to stay with my FIL for 4.5 days and during that time I did go and visit my sister during her work lunch hour and explained what was going on with mom and I. The last night (Saturday) before we left (day we were suppose to leave on the Saturday but didn't because of a family gathering) my sister called me at FIL saying my mom had called her drunk as a skunk telling her not to call her anymore. She also talked to her the when she was sober and totally altered her story about us and said we were suppose to go back and visit before we left (which DF mentionned we may do).

It's been a month and a half since the fight...she has called 3 times at my house, all 3 times we werent' around to answer the phone. The first time she called, she told me she'd send Audrey's things that I forgot and not to worry about it....second time was Valentine's Day but didn't leave a message and third time last night when we were out of town telling me that her will has been changed. She also called my sister and left her the same message.

My sister hasn't done anything....she feels the need to fix this. My mom and I have not gotten along my entire life and when we do it's great. We have been getting along great since I had Audrey and now this is happening.

My sister thinks she may be going thru 'Empty Nest' but I havent' lived at home for 8 years and my sister has been out of the house for about 4 years. The family dog died at the beginning of January, so one of my friends think she's still grieving, like OMFG it's a stupid dog.....and disown our daughters because of the dog????....also think it could be menopause, but honestly I have no desire to fix this.

All I asked for was an apology (my sister told her), but DF thinks I shouldn't be talking to my sis about this since it's probably what is causing the problem with her and my mom. I have thought about calling my mom and telling her to apologize to me (which apparently she doesn't understand why, because she has never done this before, my sister and I have already apologized, I did that morning after our argument and my sister did about a week ago for NOTHING) and grow up OR never to call this number again.

I can't think of the word you would call my mom is....but DF thinks she is just doing what she's done in the past and trying to control us, somehow. I dont' care of the relationship between her and I at this moment, it's just the fact that she has brought my sister in deep (has told her to pick up all her stuff) and well when i talked to my sister our relationship is a little strained because she wants me to call and talk to her to see it she gets out of her depression. She's apparently been drinking ALL her money away and has been calling my sister only when she is pissed drunk. I don't know what to do about my sister and my mom.

Sorry about the rant, I needed to let it all out!!

Wow, Gutter, I knew you were carried around some stuff, but ......wow.

So is the relationship between you and your sister ok? Problem is just between you and mom?

The problem with alcoholics is they are just not rational. Their thinking is all screwed up because of their addiction. And no amount of effort on your part can change that.

If mom is hurting you, you need to stay away (IMO). When she reaches out and seriously wants to re-connect with you, then you can do it. Go ahead and send the birthday card, send the Christmas gift, send her pics/updates of Audrey, but cut off face-to-face visits. Again, just my opinion. You can't allow her to hurt you like she's done in the past.

I have limited experience but did have a slightly older alcoholic boyfriend when I was in college. I attended Alanon meetings for a while, and the one thing I really learned was that you can not control another person's actions, but you can control YOUR reactions. Sounds like you've really tried to high road and not react to her rantings, but maybe just eliminating contact is the answer.

Maybe check out Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA). Looks like their website is adultchildren.org.

BethG wrote:Wow, Gutter, I knew you were carried around some stuff, but ......wow.

So is the relationship between you and your sister ok? Problem is just between you and mom?

The problem with alcoholics is they are just not rational. Their thinking is all screwed up because of their addiction. And no amount of effort on your part can change that.

If mom is hurting you, you need to stay away (IMO). When she reaches out and seriously wants to re-connect with you, then you can do it. Go ahead and send the birthday card, send the Christmas gift, send her pics/updates of Audrey, but cut off face-to-face visits. Again, just my opinion. You can't allow her to hurt you like she's done in the past.

I have limited experience but did have a slightly older alcoholic boyfriend when I was in college. I attended Alanon meetings for a while, and the one thing I really learned was that you can not control another person's actions, but you can control YOUR reactions. Sounds like you've really tried to high road and not react to her rantings, but maybe just eliminating contact is the answer.

Maybe check out Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA). Looks like their website is adultchildren.org.

Oh Beth, thank you thank you thank you so much for you input!! It means the world to me, i have no clue how to handle this. I have dealt with it all my life, on my own pretty much, have brought my godparents into the picture when my mom threatened me with a knife when I was around 17/18 years old.

I was thinking about pics/updates and cards, but wasnt' sure if that was okay considering I dont' want to sound sorry, since I'm not and already apologized the 1 time and that's it. I guess just signing it Audrey or whatever would be okay....?? I was thinking of getting rid of my voice mail and keeping caller ID so then at least we know who calls and then my mom can't leave drunken messages 'trying' to hurt my feelings.

I'm so happy to see your response, my sister and I are great, the reason is because my mom has 6 sisters and 3 brothers and have written EVERY one of them off except her youngest sister (who is just trying to make the world better) and I also had my godmother (mom's sister) help my mom when the family dog died, but they don't speak otherwise. So my sister and I have learned from my mothers mistakes which we have both unfortunately witnessed at such young ages.

Also thats the reason I don't drink, ONLY during occassions, last time being 2006. Alcoholism is in my moms side of the family and I worry about it all the time, since it's strange to have cravings when I dont' drink.

I will take a look at that site Beth, thanks!

Gutter, if you don't feel comfortable sending pics and letters to mom, then don't. It's up to you. Audrey IS her granddaughter and I feel she deserves to know something about her, but you also need to protect Audrey from her. So you just need to decide what the proper balance is for you.

BethG wrote:Gutter, if you don't feel comfortable sending pics and letters to mom, then don't. It's up to you. Audrey IS her granddaughter and I feel she deserves to know something about her, but you also need to protect Audrey from her. So you just need to decide what the proper balance is for you.

Exactly what you mean by protection, DF doesn't want her to be treated or around my mom turning like that and being drunk and all, but then again, maybe she would soften and take a chill pill if she saw a recent pic of Audrey. So I'm not too sure what I am willing to do and DF doesn't really want me to mention much about my pregnancy on Facebook (where I keep in touch with all family and friends since we live so far away from them all), just incase it gets back to my mom and we don't think she deserves that much. He wants my mom to realize what she's done, but I don't think she will EVER think she has done anything wrong. DF is definately my rock in this, he has realized how much she's done and doesn't want me hurt anymore, so I have to step up and protect my family. I mean a picture can do no harm...

Just remember, she can only hurt/harrass/whatever you as much as you let her, as much as you react to it. I'm not a psychologist or anything, but I think most addicts (of any kind) are very unhappy with their lives and just want to drag you into their misery. But if you don't let it, she'll either have to rise up to meet you, or give it up entirely. Obviously she needs help -- psychological and physical -- but you probably have heard that an addict needs to hit their lowest point before they can accept the fact that need help.

I had an uncle who was somewhat of a closet alcoholic. My mom is the oldest of 6 and he was the 4th child, her 2nd of 3 younger brothers. I remember she was shocked to find out he had a drinking problem. He started having health problems and his doctors told him to stop drinking or he'd die. Well I guess a wife, 5 step-children he raised as his own, 2 other children, grandchildren, probably even great-grandchildren at that point, brothers/sisters/in-laws, nephews/neices, and the list goes on.....I guess that wasn't enough to live for. I guess he never hit his lowest point, although you'd think being told you were going to die would be it, huh? He died in his 50s and looked about 20yrs older.

But back to your mother....start limiting contact to whatever you feel comfortable with. And if she behaves poorly, limit it more, until you find what works best. Hopefully that's not zero contact.

Regarding pregnancy comments on Facebook, if you're limiting direct contact, what the heck do you care if she finds out? (playing devils advocate here). It's YOUR life, share with others as you wish. Maybe she'll see that she needs to be part of the joy that is your baby-in-the-making and clean up her act.

Even on Facebook I don't think she'd find anything out, lol!!! She doesn't own a computer. So DF being that strict about it, was sorta weird....but I know he wants what is best for his family I can understand that.

Yeah I hear you about hitting her hitting the lowest point before she gets help, but what I'm surprised about is the fact that when we had that argument she hadn't had a single drink since we had arrived. She had asked DF to go and get her some, but we brought her empty bottles for money and DF told her she'd have to live without. So maybe she was going thru withdrawals I would imagine. She's 53-ish and she looks older then my dads parents who are late 60's/70.

To sound like a horrible daughter, if I were to get a call tomorrow about her dying from drinking, I dont' think I could bring myself to have sympathy for her because she has brought it upon herself. She has had PLENTY of wake up calls, but never really realized what it has done to her family and/or even APOLOGIZED for her behaviour. She can do no wrong....

I think I will take you advice and send her a picture of Audrey. She just recently got her haircut and maybe it's what she needs to realize what she's missing. Thanks Beth, I appreciate your advice and it was nice to talk to someone about it.

Gutter - I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through!
I know it must be really difficult. I was going to say basically some of the same things Beth said!

You are a strong lady and you just have to do what's best for you and your family! Please keep us posted on the situation and I'll be thinking of you!!!

Awe Gutter, I am really sorry about your mom XXXX I remember you telling me about this. I hate it that she treats you this way and its very sad. She needs help! I don't know if she would get any at this point, but she needs it. If it IS partly menopause, she can get on meds that will help.

I am really sorry to hear about this. We are thinking of you! XXXXX

Hey sweety,I second what Beth sais.Chekc out that website.I have been in your shoes.although not to that extent I must say,but with my mum yes.It's so hard and it hurts.I personally don't think your mum desered an apology that day,she owed you one,but it's very classic daughters of alchoholics (there's a book called that actually) that makes us want to smooth things over,take care of everything feel guilty when things are not ou fautl.Appoloise and make people feel good,it's all about others.It's role reversal,she's acting like that child and making you the parent,manipulating and controling.it's not fair and I know it hurts.
If I were you,as sad as it is,I would just not bother,don't be mean,don't cause confilict and avoid it if you canbut don't try and change her or make her get help.with all the adicts I've been with in my life,the one thing I know for sure is 'you can't cure em,you cant change em' they have to either do it themselves or carry on alone.Or see you and her grand dauhter (which is a privilage NOT a right IMO) on YOUR terms.Perhaps if you go down that way again,drop in (call first and try and gage the mood she's in) and if she's receptive to it,go by but dont stay at her house.Anyway.I am sorry it's affected the relastionship between you and your sis,I would try and save that if you feel it,salvage it,nurture it and love each other and try not to talk about your mum or invlove yourselfs anymore than neccessary.You cant change her,but you can focus all your love on your children so that they grow up otherwise and feeling loved.You are a great person sweety.I am sorr you have to deal with this sadness.I am also sad to tell you that the only way to 'deal' with her,is to not deal with her,carry on with your life,unless she decides to change or come forward,then it's not something thats in your hands or control,all it will do is upset you and stress you out.Best you can do is focus on all that you have,beuatiful kids,DH,good health and everthing else You have so many good and beautiful things in your life to look forward to and focus on.I am sorry there are also shitty aspects but you have to just try and not let them be in the forfront of your world!

husg sweet! thinking of you! xxxxxxxxxxxx

I want to thanks Skyllar, Ginny & Lou lou for stopping by and being supportive.

I would also like to really thank you Angel for your advice and input. You have been thru so much and have so much knowledge I knew you would give some great advice. That's exactly what I have been doing, sticking to my guns and not calling her or anything. I may take Beth's suggestion and send a picture of Audrey, it may make her realize and call and apologize (that's what I am truly waiting for) and when I get that apology it will be awhile but I will consider forgiveness. I know her disease, I have lived with it thru her. When she threatened me with a knife, I went to stay with my godparents and would only go back if she quit drinking, she said she would. I went back and she started drinking again a month later. I definately know she has a problem BUT she does NOT see it, unfortunately.

I think her problem when we were there was withdrawal of booze and taking it out on me....with starting a fight. Anyways thanks for reminding me that it's not my fault. I have went thru my head over and over again the first few weeks after the fight to replay what went wrong and if I did wrong, but I know I apologized for my behaviour of talking 'apparently' nasty about my sister (would never do that) and I guess not saying goodnight that night, but I think I had a good reason to be angry with her for eavesdropping and didn't need to apologize.

My sister and I though, we are great, just find when we talk about mom it's strained like 'What are we going to do now?" more-so what is my sister going to do, I feel bad since she's in this too, felling as though it's partly my fault, because of our fight. I have told her I'd 'consider' calling my mom but not to put her hopes up. Apparently my mom was crushed when no one called her on 'family day' Feb 16th (only the 2nd year it's been implemented). Well my family was my family at home and my mom and I werent' talking so why would I call her????

Anyways whatever, I will continue on with my life and like I said will probably take Beth's advice and send my mom 'A' picture of Audrey. She deserves that much but not a whack of photos.

Thanks again!!

Gutter, I only just saw this thread. I am super sorry for what happened. Your mom sounds like she totally has issues. Isn't it funny how people with the most issues seem to butt in and be the biggest know it alls in certain situations? I have a Dad like that, so I can totally relate. He is bi-polar and won't take medication even though he admits he has depression.

I am sending you huge hugs sweetie! Unfortunately I am learning myself that no matter how much you need an apology and KNOW someone else is so wrong, you can't make someone apologize, even though that is all you really need to heal the situation. I hate it when getting an apology is like pulling teeth.

I wish you the best. I think you are a great person, and I really and truly hope that your mom chills out and sees the light. I think she has some issues herself, and I am glad to see that you have over come and still continue to over come.

You have a beautiful family. You are a perfect example of the fact that we are not responsible for what we are born into, but we are responsible for who we become. You have become a wonderful caring and kind woman.

xxxxxxxxxx

Just an update...

Apparently my mom and sister are now talking. She said that my mom was having a rough time at work with her b!tch of a boss. I will be hopefully getting together a little note and Audrey's picture and sending it off to her by the first of the week.

sending my mom a note & pic of audrey hoping we can move past this...

good for you mel,you are being so mature and showing that you are not gonna let petty things ruin your treatment of others (namely family even if they don't deserve it at the time) .Either way,big well done from me.No one can say you didnt' try and weren't patient.Lets hope she follows your lead xx

I wholeheartedly agree with Angel. You're such a wonderful, sweet, kind-hearted person and frankly the actions of your mother and now MIL just leave me open-mouthed and without words. You are head and shoulders above them, gutter, and are handling yourself with such grace.

well I forgot to say...I was going to mail that letter/pic on Friday, but never got around to it. Then that night my mom called and I answered it b/c I wanted to solve things with her. She was drunk of course, asking who I was and I told her it was me and she was sooo happy and asked how I was doing and how her baby (audrey) was doing. She asked if I was busy, which I was (talking to DF about his sisters wedding)....so she told me to call her Saturday. I did and left her a message, but she never called me back (so wondered if she realized what she did...) Anyways I did get a late day call from her on Sunday and we talked for about 30-1h. It was nice to talk to her again, but dont' think I'll be able to call her every day like I used to. Anyways that's our progress