Big Big Life Change

OK so,today is probably not a good day to be posting soething like this as I feel like running away and building my own house with my own hands and never leaving again.Or even leaving the country.But I have to post about this to my girls who know (for the most part) a little of my family history,for those who don't breif recap;

My hubby and I met in France,he was there for a businss trip,I came back with him,we didn't really discuss it or make permanent or even long term plans as it was an open book once his business took off.It never did and we eneded up being so stuck for money that we had to leave NJ where it was based,and come back to NC to stay near his mum n gma so they could help us financially until we got back on our feet.Once we got back to NC,hubby announced to me that he was so glad to be back and never wanted to leave again.He has an VERY close relationship with his mum n gma ,his only remaning real family.They spoil him and are very close.His grandma has had problems with her back and balance for as long as he can remember,she's had 2 surgeries,one for a bulging disk and the other for some kind of lack of paddig between the vertebrae and it causes her daily pain.Her walking and posture have been deteriorating over the past 2 years.We moved away from them (for hubbys new job and only job at the time) here to Charlotte NC,we're 4 hours away.I have just just point out that there has been friction from me because they NEVER came to see us even before Gma's back got really bad and even when we offered to do xmas at our house,as they were complaining that their kitchen was too tiny and to hot.WHICh is IS and mine was large and open.They came to our house maybe 3 times and it was sort of forced.I thought once baby girl was born they would come more often,but even then it was a case of (every sunday) either you come here or we don't see each other.With a newborn and even older baby,as some of you know,it's not easy to travel especially when breastfeeding,it's FAR more conveienient for them to come to us.ANYWAY,thats just a side note.Now that we live 4 hours away,we used to go them because of Gma's back and the dogs,but aside from the nightmarish 4 and a half hour ride,their 1100 sq foot ,2 bed house meant that hubby had to sleep on the couch,the gma's in gma's room and me and the kids in MIL"s room which meant one of the the kids was constantly awake.Teo also has asthma (We didnt know at the time) but he would cough,litteraly with only a few seconds break in betweenn<MIL smokes in the house and they have 2 old dogs and a cat.He has been tested for allergies and IS allergic to dogs.Of course non of this has enough to be a good reason for us not visiting.I have explained my reasons a thousand time to hubby and MIL,they both are very sad,but depsite this,MIL and Gma took almost 8 months to come here and visit.That was at thanksgiving and they havn't been since,despite that they said the trip wasn't bad,they brought the dogs,which actually wasn't a problem ( I gave Teo zyrtec for his allergies)they slept in the downstairs room and us in our usual places upstairs.Everyone slept well and overall the visit was REALLY nice.There are various unspoken reasons.Anyway,here is the issue.MIL is a nurse and has chosen recently to work night shifts so she can walk the dogs and be around in the daytime because Gma's balance is really bad and apparently she is falling over weekly.Obviously not good for a 78 year old lady to be by herslef.They don't really have any friends,social commitments or other ties.Hubby is trying to convince them to move here.MIL is very stubborn and of course,it's their life too.We can't force them,but they complain ESPECIALY GMA ,that they don't see the kids.I have told them we can't go there anymore.Anyway it's been kind of a stale mate for months now.

HUbby has been talking to MIL on the phone every night and is now trying to get Gma to come and stay here.To be fair,I offered for her to stay here and have the room downstairs,it has it's own bathroom and there are no stairs for her to navigate,we could wacth her (well I could) instead of her being alone all day,she would get to see the grandkids and us and not be alone,whih Ihave to say is really sad.She is on board with it,MIL is still dubious,I don't know if she doesnt trust me to give gma meds etc.... Anyway here are my issues with it;
*I am messy she is METICULOUS and if I don't clean she tries to and is stumbeling around,I don't mind having her here but don't want to spend my whole day (like I did during their visit) asking her to please sit down,not cause I don't want her to help,but couse I don't wan't her to fall down!She's very stubborn too.
*She doesnt listen to me when it comes to not doing things like picking up the baby etc...It's going to be like babysitting 3 kids
* I can't leave her with the kids
* I don't know if they'll want to bring the dogs which I guess we could do but I really dont like the idea of.
*I want to do this for hubby,to help MIL with the load etc...
* I want her to be able to see the babies of course
* I like my space and I do things my way.She is a baptist,relgious (which we manage to avoid conflict for the most part)but she believe her grandson,my hubby,should have his laundry all done and put away,meals cooked and that I shoudl be a servent to him and the kids basically ,espacially as I don't work.I dont think the same as her but once agian,if I don't do these things,she will try which will cause conflict and exaust me.
* We don't have cable TV to enterntain her or anyone anymore only netflix through the xbox which she wont know how to use,that's the only thing I can think of for her to do so that we don't have to talk all day.
*I don't know how long it would be before MIL found a house/job up here,if at all....
*Hubby wants SO badly for this to happen and her earns the money,i can't work because of my workpermit right now so i can't do anything.
* I am just very worried about this whole thing.My intentions are good,I mean that i want her to come and stay but with my concenrs I just don't know how this is going to pan out and it wont be like I can just take off for a drive when she drives me nuts as hubby has our only car and I would be afraid to leave her alone for too long.
Oh also,we do NOT eat the same food atALL.I don't cook southern deep freid or meat with every meal as she does,in fact we have a mostly vegan kind of life,(the kids and I) I dont want,or can't afford 2 differnt meals each night,I also find it hard to cook one let alone 2,plus she will once again inssit on stepping in where she considers somethin lacking...sigh...

THOUGHTS PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH no HOli! do you think she is really gonna come and stay!??! Maybe she will change her mind! I do not blame u in the slightest for being concerend. its one ofthose times where we offer to be nice and THINK it sounds good at the time and then are like "oh hold up WTF was i thinking!?!?!?!"

Unfortunately, the way you describe Gma is A LOT like tons of the elderly southern women...i cannot speak for the northerners, cuz i never spend much time up there...BUT I do know that for example, one day i was at ray's nannie's and as i sat down to take a bite of my dessert she said "oh no Ginny, ray didn't get any cake!" and i said "Oh wow, let me hop right and get him a piece, master!" she laughed but you could tell she was like "you little smart ass!" LOL but i just don't work that way...i don't mind getting him stuff, but when i am sitting down eating...that's that...do it yo' damn self!

But anyways, sorry i got off track! Having said that...let me also tell you that EVERY time in my life when i dreaded something happening and wrote it up like you have and was SOOOOO Tore up about...it A) NEVER HAPPENED!!!! OR B) Happened, but was sooo not what i THOUGHT it was going to be and I realized i was upset for nothing

So...I think it will go one of two ways here...either Gma will not come here anyway, OR she will come but she will be grateful and will be very kind and surprise you! My bets are on they don't show up though!!!!!

That must be so difficult to have on your shoulders right now and i am so sorry!!! I hope that it winds up being better than you think! Good luck!! XXXXX

Thanks Ginny!I would love it if they lived 'nearby' like in our neighbourhood even.It would be nice to see her and then she could see the kids a lot.But still...living with someone and living neaar them are 2 different things.I think thouhg,it IS very likely to happen that just Gma comes to live with us (at first) because the simple fact is,she falls almost weekly now.It's either that or she goes into like a nursing home.None of us want that for her.I would be horrified and Chuck and his mum of course wouldn't hear of it,I am glad they think that way and hope my kids are the same.So I do think that it's likley to happen unless they suddenly come up with a better solution.:S

I don't know what MIL thinks is holding everything up.She keeps things from us.Maybe there's something we don't know about.Who knows,but either way,although it's not her decision,she is the only one holding things up.Grandma is all for it.Who knows.I am aprehesnsive about it.

Awww Holo

I am sorry your mind is tugging in do many directions at the moment. I agree that it can be so difficult, you want to be nice and set up a plan not really expecting much out of it because you have already tried for so long and nothing has come of it so far. The pictures in our heads of what will work and how things will go are so different than the reality of plans actually being made and going through with them and someone living in your home rearranging your already comfortable lifestyle. I really wish I could offer some advice on what to do but at this point it is still a tough call on if they will actually go through with the plans or if it is still just in the "talks" Hubby and I are going through a similar thing with his mom ( Did I tell you about all this on the phone? ) Well I have been going crazy about this too... I can't even think of it and it takes over my mind constantly because I picture her being here and feeling like I need to tiptoe around things, watch what I say to hubby, or if I wanted to walk around butt naked it would no longer be possible.

This is a decision that you and hubby are going to have to have a long honest conversation about so that you are not blaming each other and making the situation worse ( You blame him if they do come and things are bad because she is HIS mother ) OR ( HIM blaming you if she doesn't come because it will be too stressful on you and the family )

I would say boundaries need to be set with a goal and length of time for their stay in your home, plans are best and at least it will give you guys a goal to look forward to.

I wish I could offer more advice, it is a tough decision and VERY much life changing. Good luck to you and I am here if you want to talk

hey hun i do have some stuff to say on this subject, but ive julie going to sleepin my lap with a bottle so ill be back ASAP just wanted you to know i got your message and will be back to comment when i can type with 2 hands lol.

I think you should compromise. Maybe have 2 weeks out of the month to help take some of the load off your DH's mom. I'm sorry but having family in your house, especially family that you don't see eye to eye with could be the downfall of your marriage, I am not even kidding you. If your MIL has no intention of ever fully relocating to Charlotte then you are going to get stuck in a situation where you are miserable, then eventually you are going to lose it, and feelings will get hurt and bridges will get broken.

My DH and I are still recovering from living with my parents. Their house is always a giant mess and my Dad is a freaking nightmare with his mood swings, and my mom is a sweet heart who is too sweet to take control of her life and ditch him. Moral of the story is, we were so stressed out living there that we started arguing, which we never had before in the previous 2 years of our relationship. We crossed boundaries that we never crossed, we used tones of voices we never had before. We were bickering. It really changed our relationship, because once those boundaries had been crossed, it just made it easier for them to be crossed again and again. Yes we are together, yes we love each other, but I still feel like it was a terrible decision to move in with them. We had no choice at the time, as we were moving straight from England, he needed to find a job, etc. We finally ended up moving to AZ with no money, no job, not even a job prospect. It was an escape, I'm not even kidding. To this day we still struggle, and I feel like my DH and I were really affected by everything. We were in one room at my parent's with no privacy, and our sex life really struggled because of the constant worry that someone would walk in or knock and need something. I still think he really resents the fact that we didn't have the freedom to be intimate like we once did, and he still holds it against me.

Sorry to go off on a tangent and talk about myself, but I just wanted to relate to you. Moral of the story is, you can't really live your private life in any aspect when you have family living with you with no end in sight. That's why if you do decide to help you should set your boundaries with Chuck, take Grandma for two weeks at a time, then go for a break or whatever. You can't live 24 hours a day in constant stress about having someone else in your home. It's not that you don't want to help her, but I think you have every right to be worried and stressed about your own personal sanity should she come and stay indefinitely. Chuck needs to put you first and see your point of view, and support you in the fact that you need to know that there is a time limit, and it's not going to be grandma and then the MIL shacked up with you for years to come. I would go INSANE.

Ok,so gma fell again today!Chuck and I had another talk,he's going to go and get her this weekend.No other way around it.We will have to roll with the punches,suggestions on how to keep her entertained and happy as much as possible during her visit are welcome.I will keep you posted!Thanks for your advice!

good luck hun!! i bet it works out well, and i bet MIL wont take too long to follow her!

ok,well,she's here!Arrived last night.Her walking is terrible and although she has a cane and a walker,she seems to try and do a lot of walking without them.She doesnt like to sit still for long,she has NO concentration when it comes to watching a movie or a TV show and she keeps trying to bend down and pick up the odd peice of fluff or crumb off of my recently vaccumed carpet even thoguh I asked her very nicely not to.She moves SOO painfully slowly that I would rather her just stop doing things and let me do them anyway.One plus is,she's taking a nap.I hope she does it everyday she's here.I need the break already.NO clashes so far but it's only day one.Trying to keep busy.I am cooking up a storm since yesterday .I don't think she's staying more than a week though.Hubby said she's not on board with the permanent Idea yet.I have to say I am relieved.I don't know how my MIL does it all day.It's kind of like watching a toddler.Repeating yourself,telling them to stop touching....sigh...I know she wants to help,but it's more exasuting when she does if that makes sense.I love her but she's tiring.Plus having to talk all day (She thinks computers are rude,so I dont get to be lazy and sit on here whenI want to,except now when shes taking a nap) I feel really mean but it's just hard.I don't envy anyone who has to take care of anyone else.Kids are one thing,but independent minded old ladies...wow!

I wondered why you were so quiet today in computer land! LOL. Listen, I'm glad she is there staying with you. I'm glad you are helping her. But I'm also really glad that it is not permanent. It's nice of you to help out and give your MIL a break. But for sure, I'm glad it wasn't a permanent thing right away.

I love you. Keep it up. Old people can be challenging, much more than children sometimes.

Enjoy your quiet time.

xxxoooo

I was wondering how it was going!! Hope you're doing okay!