im so upset.

24Penguins Wed Oct 29, 2008 12:59 pm

i dont know why he cant just grow up? im just so upset right now. charles took an advance from the company today for $600 and spent it on his car. i mean, we dont have much food in the house, i have $25 till payday and he spends that much money on his car?? wtf?? i work so fucking hard to make this family work. i never have a single fucking penny to spend on myself, to buy anything i want. ever. all i buy is food and household items, and baby stuff. he buys whatever the f**k he wants. i cant miss work, or we wont have the money for the week. hes on salary, and goes home early if he wants. i cant hardly even think of what to type, im so pissed right now. i mean, we are going to try and have another baby, and all he can think about is his fucking car??? we are going to have a serious talk tonight when he gets home from work. (i took half of a vacation day since my concentration was so off, but i cant afford to miss half a day. i think at this point its safe to say we will never go on a vacation, so i used the half day).

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

*beats head against wall*

**Angel** Wed Oct 29, 2008 1:13 pm

WOW!WHAT WAS IT on the car?Something estetic or something neccessary? I would be SOOOOOO pissed as well hun,have you asked him wtf he was thinking?

24Penguins Wed Oct 29, 2008 1:20 pm

to answer your question angel, neither. its all performance parts to make the car faster.

as of right now, we owe $14,000 on the car itself.

before his advances he had put about $6,000 into the car, just on performance parts.

now with his advances in the past month or two you can add another $1,500 to that number.

the god damn thing could have been halfway paid off by now... but nooooo. its not fast enough, its not loud enough, i can still buy this and that. nothings ever good enough for him. every time he says i just want these 2 or 3 parts, and then i will be happy with the car, i wont buy anything else for it, im done. EVERY FUCKING TIME! he will never be done. im so fucking sick of that god damned car! i want to go set it on fire!!! (im not ususally a violent person either).

i just dont understand how his thought process can work like it does. if we needed things around the house, or kaydance needed something, or we were almost out of food, and i had some extra money and spent it on something that only i could get use or enjoyment out of i would be sick with guilt. i would more than likely go return whatever it was i bought (i wouldnt actually know, sinces its been over a year since i went and just bought something for me... no wait, my only pair of shoes were falling apart and full of holes, so i saved and bought a $25 pair of sneakers at walmart...).

i just am at a loss for words right now.

BethG Wed Oct 29, 2008 1:29 pm

Oh Nika, I can understand you being upset! Especially since money is so tight with you guys these days.

A lot of couples have a "rule" that one can't spend over X amount of dollars without checking with the other one first. No big purchases unless you make the decision together. Now it's up to you to determine what amount constitutes a "big" purchase.....but I can tell you in my house, $600 is certainly a Big Purchase. Sounds like it might be time to have that conversation with MrCarFanatic.

24Penguins Wed Oct 29, 2008 1:37 pm

yeah beth, we are certainly going to have a chat. $600 is most definately a large purchase here. hell, $100 is a large pruchase. i never spend more than $5 on myself though...

**Mum of jj** Wed Oct 29, 2008 2:49 pm

Nika - I know exactly how you feel hun, EXACTLY! My DH does the same, If we need to spend money on the Kids or myself it has to be discussed but when it comes to his things there is no discussion needed apparantly. If i work (which ive filled in at my old job now and then) The money i earn has to go on bills or family things like food etc.
I shouldnt complain as he is the one working 12 hours a day to keep a roof over our heads and let me be a stay at home mum but it does drive me nuts. He hasnt been so bad in the last couple of months. but i swear he lives by that saying "whats yours is mine and whats mine is mine'
It is very hard. My friends hubby done this to her and she kept quiet he spent 200 on something for himself and also that week got a $500 speeding ticket so the next week she went out and spent $700 on clothes, got her hair done and went out for lunch, he went mad but like she said if you want to go and waste $700 on nothing so can i but at least i have something to show for it, he has never done it again, they didnt have the money at all and were really hard off but she had to make her point and they have been happy ever since, I dont have the balls to do something like that tho!!

kellybean Wed Oct 29, 2008 3:19 pm

Ewe.
I hate fighting.
I hope you can knock some sense into that man of your Nika. Sounds like you need to re-prioritize his spending habits.
I like the "rule" that Beth mentioned. Only if I had done that so many years ago....

Can I ask a dumb question? (expecting a dumb answer/playing devils advocate)

Why would you want to TTC another child now? You're only 22, things are so tough right now for you, why would you add fuel to the fire?

24Penguins Wed Oct 29, 2008 3:27 pm

KB i understand your question, and the answer is we arent ttc right now (anymore). the main thing about money is this is so hard right now because we are paying off all the debt, and are on a plan that sucks up every dime we have basically to do that. so for one year we are going through hell to pay off debt and have no money, but after that year is over, all the payment plans are gone, and we will have a much more comfortable income, since it wont all go to debt anymore (does that make sense?)

but yeah, im gonna take my little ttc blinkie off, and if it did happen this month, we will be thrilled (all the debt will be paid off in 7 months, before a baby would be born) but we arent going to try for a while. i did really want it, but we have time.

we had a long chat, but ill come back and type it all out in a little bit. right now we are taking the opportunity while we are both home and kaydies at daycare to talk some more stuff over, i just brought the computer out for a cigarette, so i thought i would post real quick.

BethG Wed Oct 29, 2008 3:29 pm

Nika, for what it's worth, you sound more mature than I was at 22. Just gotta get MrCarFanatic on the same page. Good for you both for talking about it all.

Lou Lou Wed Oct 29, 2008 3:36 pm

I know you are mad at him and you have EVERY right to be but you know what else.....
I'm mad at the company for giving him the money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If they give him money every time he ask for it you will always be behind!
That is so frustrating!
That's the sucky part about working for family.

This makes me so mad!!!!!!!!!!!

It sounds like what my sister went through. She and her husband NEVER had money but he always had nice new things. She went 2 or 3 years without purchasing ONE single thing for herself. She never went anywhere or did anything because she didn't have the money and she said it was depressing to go out and not be able to buy anything.

They are divorcing now and even though she just has her income and she has TWICE the money she had when she was with him. She even has enough to buy herself something every few weeks.

MEN ................... UGH

This makes me so mad for you! I guess he forgot that Christmas is around the corner and you might want to get your baby girl and few gifts.
Why don't men think?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

24Penguins Wed Oct 29, 2008 3:47 pm

thanks beth!

and lou lou, you hit the nail right on the head!!!!! and BTW, the company has now cut him off. no more advances, so im thankful for that, since he doesnt need them, he even admitted it just gets him into trouble.

ok, so we had a good talk (i hope). this is it for the car. for real. i mean, i know i shouldnt believe him since hes said it before, but the reality of it is, he wont have the opportunity to do it again. his advances from work have been cut off at the source (the office manager told me this herself), and he wont have the money to do it without the advances until we are at least out of debt in 7 months. actually, it will be sooner than that we are out of debt, becuase we should get the inheritance in a month or two, and weve agreed to just use that to pay everything off, and then stay on the restricted budget for the entire 7 months even though we wont need to so we can put money in savings.

i did my best to relate to him that when he has any extra money (however he gets ahold of it) he needs to be thinking of the family first, not that EVERYTHING has to go to the family, but there has to be give and take. i also related to him that i need that option sometimes too, and that its not fair for him to have money just for him and me not to get money just for me every now and then. if he ever has spare money now, ive asked him to talk to me first before he buys stuff! i mean, it would me nice to go out as a family too, and he understands where im coming from. he said his whole problem is he doesnt think about it until its gone. well, we are working on that now at least.

he has come a long way in the past year, i cannot deny that. this is the reason we are still working on the relationship, he is trying. i just got VERY upset today.

And lastly, on the TTC

front (i know your just trying to help KB, and i was truthfully waiting for someone to point out just what you did) he said he would be happy to keep trying, or to wait. either way. we will more than likely just play it by ear, and let nature take its course. i would LOVE to be pregnant again now, so we arent going to use BC, and im still going to temp and chart, but im not going to freak out over it (like i was starting to this week). i do realize we have plenty of time to do this, and its not like it has to happen right now, it would just be nice Smile/happy

so we arent going to time BD or anything, but we also arent going to abstain at all, just do it when it feels right Smile/happy

we still have lots to work on, but what relationship is perfect right? i hope we are diong the right thing. i just have to say, at least we are both trying.

p.s. he did offer to just return the parts, and we made a deal on it. hes keeping the one part (which cost the most, oye) he wanted the most, the other two parts were pretty much impulse buys. im getting the money from the return to do family and me purchases i would normally not think about taking out of the budget. i may buy myself some nice bath salts or something, and papmer myself one night this week Smile/happy

and we also agreed, since he has been quite greedy with money, that i am in charge of my tax return (kaydance will be on it, should be around 4k) so that we can still do our trip to CA and then i will probably just stash around 2k of it for savings.

Helen Wed Oct 29, 2008 4:25 pm

Aww hun, I'm glad you sorted things out !!!!!

White Lily Wed Oct 29, 2008 5:35 pm

Nika sorry you had such a crappy day and I can understand why you were so angry, I would be too! Glad to hear that you seem to have sorted it all out now hun! Hope he sticks to his word!

**Angel** Wed Oct 29, 2008 7:13 pm

Aww,I am so glad hun,it sounds like he knew he was wrong and was willing to find a solution with you and with your inheritence and tax returns coming you should be able to save as well,that will be great! Smile/happy

BethG Wed Oct 29, 2008 7:20 pm

Nika, with that inheritance, think about starting up a college fund (they're called 529 Plans) for Kaydance. Never too early to start saving! Usually you can start one for as little as $250, some are less. Don't know how much the inheritance is (not asking) but see if you can spare that much from it. If you need help, let me know and I'll point you in the right direction.

24Penguins Wed Oct 29, 2008 7:22 pm

helen, mel, and angel! thanks to all of you Smile/happy

im very pleased with how our talk went. i pretty much said everything from my post to him, i was proud of myself since i never stick up for myself with him (i dont know why, i do to everyone else lol).

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