update ...

Hope you don't mind me starting another topic, this just seems easiest. I wanted to tell you that I lost the baby yesterday (Friday). The cramping & spotting started slowly, but it was only a few hours til I was in the most pain I've ever experienced, and it kept up all yesterday. Today's been pretty bad too, but better than yesterday. I've been feeling really weak physically and of course bleeding quite a lot.

My doctor's office told me to get to a hospital, so I had to go get checked yesterday to make sure there were no serious complications (like an ectopic). Thank God that doesn't seem to be the case, and the doctor there was confident enough to let me go home and rest here. I still have my OB/GYN appt on Monday morning, and the doctor at the hospital scheduled me for another u/s Monday afternoon to confirm the miscarriage and make sure everything went as it should in a miscarriage.

As much as I started grieving when I had the inconclusive u/s earlier this week, I haven't felt much emotion yesterday or today. I think it's been so awful physically and I've been in so much pain that my mind & body has been consumed with the physical and hasn't yet gotten to the emotional side of things. I know it will come later, but I don't know if it will hit me all at once or happen more gradually ... scary.

DH is taking it really hard, and this has been so hard for me. We've been through so much together as a couple (ttc related and otherwise) and I've always felt we are so strong because of it. This, though, seems like it's too much for him to handle and he's just not doing well, and in turn isn't able to give me the support I feel I need right now. He means well and I can see he's falling apart, it's not that he doesn't care ... this is just really hard.

I've really appreciated all your support in these past few weeks, and it's been so good to share this pregnancy with you all, you've been amazingly supportive friends. I wish this pregnancy didn't have to end so soon of course, but I'm thankful for you've been here.

xoxox

Oh Sapphire, I am so sorry, hun!! There is nothing in the world that I could say that would make you feel better now. I'll keep you and your DH in my thoughts and wish you strength to get through it all. Take your time to heal. I am sending you a big hug. (((((sapphire))))

I am truly sorry for your loss. I too experienced an early miscarriage and unless you've been through it you don't really understand. If you need to talk please feel free to pm me. I'd be happy to share my experience with you. Sometimes it just helps to know you are not alone.
It's ok to grieve. It's ok to cry. And you will...... I remember being just fine and then all of the sudden I would just burst into tears.
The loss was hard for my husband too. You guys turn to one another right now and just try to love and support each other through it.

We are all here for you. Hang in there.

Love -
Lou Lou

I'm so sorry :-(

I hope you feel better soon and can move forward.

*Hugs*

Im so sorry for your loss hun. Sending big hugs and prayers to you and your hubby.
xoxoxox

hugs to you hunny!.I am SO SO sorry,you of all people my heart is going out to you right now.I can only hope that you heal inside and out as quickly a possible and that you are blessed with anothermricle that sticks.Of course you don't want to think any further than that now,but this too shall pass and in the mean time please use this place if you want and need.We are all here for you.Sending you massive cyber hugs n love.

Sapphire I received a PM (today) from someone on another forum who was concerned that you had indeed suffered a miscarriage and I totally doubted them, I was they had their information wrong, my head was spinning trying to find evidence that it was true and I have to admit that when I first read your post I felt completely numb.....There aren't any words that I can say to you that are going to ease the pain you are going through right now, I know that you are completely devasted and all the what if's and buts will be running through your head, I can give you explanations of why sometimes this happens but right now I know you don't want to try and make sense of it all, you need to grieve and that will take time. Your loss is tragic and Lou Lou is right unless you have experienced such a loss it really is very hard to understand the emotions you are feeling right now. Sapphire, honey all we can do is be here for you, when you are ready and feel strong enough to talk somemore, we will all 'try' our very best to give you the support you deserve. God bless your little baby Sapphire x x x x

oh my gosh sapphire words cannot express how my heart goes out to you. i am so very sorry for your loss. i will be thinking of you and your husband and i will pray for you both. this is sad and shocking news. we all love you and are truly sorry

thanks so much, everyone, I really do appreciate your very kind words, it's so good to know there's so much support out there. I found a website all about pregnancy loss this weekend, it has loads of info about coping, what to expect, etc, etc, and one thing it suggested was to get a memory box of sorts together with everything you have connected to the baby, so that way you have something tangible to remember and mark the loss. I plan to do that soon, and along with the bfps and that teddy bear/blanket I gave DH when I told him, I'm also going to print off all your lovely messages and keep them in the box so I can read them when I need to.

DH and I are doing better in that he's already coming around and being much more supportive. As soon as he realized how it hurt me he started to change. It's still so hard for him, and the more it sinks in it will be for me too. I realized today that I can't really think about the future at all - I don't know what to make of our vacation ideas for this spring, it seems too much to think about, and the thought of being pregnant again feels overwhelming or scary or something, I don't even know.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you all that I saw the OB/GYN this morning, and he was very supportive (as he always is - I've seen him for over a year now with ttc stuff too) and told me that likely won't come for another 6-8 weeks and that's perfectly normal (glad he mentioned that, I had no idea!), and that everything I've experienced so far is also normal. It seems I've had a totally standard, uncomplicated miscarriage and I'm so thankful there's no more issues or problems to be dealt with. This is enough. The u/s this afternoon went well, the doctor in that office came to see me and confirmed that the pregnancy did indeed "self-terminate" and he stressed this is the best way it could have gone (instead of needing a D&C or something) and told me that my uterus is clear now, there's nothing left, which is also really good news. Apparently all that pain the past few days was doing something. This may be way , but I saw one big clot or glob pass the evening of day 1 of my miscarriage, and I felt sure it was the sac. Since it only happened once, and there's nothing left now, I'm sure that's what it was. It was rather traumatic to see that and still makes me feel ill to remember it.

Thanks again for all your support, I don't know whether I'll be on here all the time in the next little while or if I'll back off for awhile, but either way I do know you're here for me and I thank you so much for that. Please keep praying, this week will be hard. DH is travelling again for work (though he took today off to come with me to everything, but just left now) so I'm on my own, but there are a few friends who know what happened and my parents are nearby. I think I'll be okay - just don't know how I'll be feeling or what really happens when you grieve.

I've rambled on enough - thank you all so much.

Oh my gosh, sweet heart, I am so sorry. I don't even know how to make you feel better, just know that I am thinking of you, and I can totally understand dealing with loss. If you need anyone to talk to, I am here for you anytime..

((((((SAPPHIRE))))))))

I just wanted to say thank you again for all your support, I have seriously been overwhelmed by how supported I feel by all of you - all the virtual hugs, the prayers, the offers to talk and be there - it's amazing. I know that you may not feel like your words can do a whole lot in this kind of situation, but knowing I'm not alone in this makes a world of difference, and that's exactly what you've done. It's amazing that of all the things I've felt, being alone in this pain has never been one of them.

I think I'm doing the best I can, but I am sad all the time. I miss the baby I was carrying, the baby I felt sure was a little girl. I know she's an angel now, and DH and I were talking about heaven the other day, and we figured that my FIL, who passed away before I met my DH, is probably looking after her until we can be there to meet her ourselves. DH tells me that FIL always wanted a little girl.

I don't know when I'll feel better. I wish there was a template that could tell me how I'll feel tomorrow, next week, etc., and give me a precise date when I will feel better. I know that doesn't exist of course. When I do have a moment when I feel a bit better, or when I'm not totally focussed on the loss, I feel guilty. I know that's not what I should feel but I do. I'm just trying to get through a day, sometimes an hour, at a time. I've stepped back from as much responsibility as possible in work & the rest of my life for now, and am just trying to feel what I need to feel, to rest (I am still totally exhausted) and take care of myself.

I love you girls very much and you've been amazing. I don't know, though, how much I'll be here in the next little while as I feel I'm sort of between all the threads - I know I don't fit here on the pregnancy boards, and I'm not at all ready for the ttc boards either. It's okay, I know in time I'll be ready to be back. I'll keep popping in when I can, especially to stay in touch by PM's.

thank you for being there and walking with me in this

Sapphire,
I just read your news now. I'm sorry for the loss of your baby. May you find the comfort you need.
Thinking of you.
kb

Sapphire sweetie, I'm sorry to hear that this is very difficult for you and I can understand considering you were ttc for so long to finally get what you have always wanted. May your little girl be united with her grandfather and I am sooo very sorry you never got to meet her My heart breaks for you and DH, you are in my thought and prayers. Love you sweetie xoxo

(( Saphire)) That is a very sweet way to think of your little angel baby! I wish you all the best and hope that you and DH are doing well! xoxox