My "father"

LOL,sorry to steal your title idea Nika but OMG!

As you all know we are tight on money.Hubby is interveiwing as we speak but has been out of work for 6 weeks.
Before xmas ,my dad (who's comfortable,not rich but comfortable) living in the UK in his almost paid off mortage,managerial postition,golf hobby,mini breaks to paris a few times a year along with international holidays,nice ish car and nice 'living style'.He has always made a big deal out of giving us money.He likes to buy me things when I am with him,but when it comes to me asing for money,he can be condescending and pleads pevrty.Let me clarify.I have probably asked him for money 10 times in my life and we're not talking thousands here,maybe a coupld of hundred.He's ALWAYS plead poverty,if ever I need a large sum to BORROW not HAVE borrow,he often sais he cant do it.My mother,on the othger hand,no longer works,but lives in France off of the moey she made on the sale of the house she fixed up from nothing with my step dad.She has carefully calculated that money to last her the rest of her life including her trips (wheres she wants to go) she has worked all her life and now she is doing what she wants finally.SHE lent us $4,500 for my immigration lawyer (which we are to pay back by xmas 2009) and then at christmas she gave us $400 with my stepdad.

AND yestreday she knew we were having things cut off,she very kindly sent us $1,500 and told us to pay her back when we're rich NOW,please bear in mond that the money she's got now is all she has unless she gets another job but she was hoping to have retired.She doesnt HAVE to support us,and I didn't ask because she has done more than enough,but it annoys me when me dad sends me an e mails like the following in repsonse to me asking if he would send the money that HE offered to send us before xmas asa GIFT (Without me asking once again)

"Hi Holi
So tell me what to do to send you some money on pay pal?
Its just as well that I have an overdraft facility.... what with
Luke out of work also...... don't know how this is all going to turn out.
I will send you some money I have saved to come out and see you.
Hope to hell I don't get made redundant.
Lotsa love
To you all
Pa XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX"

After years of this,I have responded with this; (I will probably regret it later but I was so mad)

"wow,look,you don't have to guilt trip me.If you can't do it then just say,I was only taking you up on your offer from before xmas.I am not trying to pick a fight or make you try and feel bad but I do find it a little odd that over the years you have always complained about your lack of money.You have a job,you take 3 holidays a year (even if they're only weekends to Paris).You play gold (An expensive sport) you told me about how much money you had stolen from your account (to me it sounded like LOT) when I say we have NO money,I mean we're overdrawn and eating whatever we have in the cupboard.My mother,who is not working (her choice I know) and is living off o the money they made from the houses that they built from scratch and worked VERY hard on has lent me $4,500 for my immigration lawyer (which we are to pay back by next christmas) and she has just (without me asking) sent $1,500 just because she knows we are strugglinh.

I am not suggeting that a parent should be an endless source of money or a back loan.(Incidently I would not be able to ignore do many of the thingd that you do as a parent and sleep at night,it's like you don't want to know about a lot of things but I would have to know that my kids lights are on and that they are eating.)It's NOT your responsability to take care of your grown children ,gratned but it's just personally something I could and would never do.Neither am I judging you for HOW you spend yours be it,nice cars,fancy holidays,golf,visiting your children or helping them out.I am however put off by your e-mail.It's saying wihtout saying it that you are not impressed by my request for money and implying that you are already doing a lot to help luke,that I am eating into your funds to come and see us and even using the redundancy card.I get the point.I was only taking you up on YOUR offer that YOU made before xmas of sending us a few dollars.Even if it was $50 it wouldnt matter.I HATE having to ask anyone.Sadly we did not expect Chuck to be out of work for more than a week and it has turned out to be 6.He works EXTREMELY hard and I now feel like some sort of sponge for even asking.I have pretty much always been made to feel like this by you just like if I get down and need to talk to someone I dont call you because I always feel rushed on the phone EVEN when I"m PAYING for the call.Its like you get bored talking and want to move on.SO with all this quite clear on where I stand,I won't be asking you for money again,not to be made to feel like I am USING your preciously saved hard earned money because if YOU DID get made redundant I would never be able to forgive myself.

Thanks anyway"

oh wow hun im sorry. my uncle is like that, except he IS rich, has lots of money, and he always sends money to my irresponsible sister, and wont ever help us out with a penny. thats not right that he offered and then is trying to guilt trip you for it. i will be interested to hear his response (if you care to share it when you get it, hint hint lol) to see what he thinks of that. i dont think i would have been able to hold back either, i would have said the same. i think thats why i didnt call her back cause i would have just exploded at her. ugh sorry, not trying to make this about me, i have my own thread, im just trying to say i can relate to you, and idont think you so much overeacted as just responded in the heat of the moment ya know?

Well thats got that off your chest.
Incidentally a couple of facts...
The money taken from my bank account put me £5000 overdrawn.
and I am very sorry you feel that I don't deserve holidays or hobbies.
Tell you what Holi
If you would like me to send you the money that I wanted to before Christmas, when I asked for your account details, and they were not sent.
I do not know how to use pay pal.
I am sure Chuck works very hard! and guess what so do I, and have done for 45 bloody years.
I have always helped you out always with money which is supposed to be loaned and is never paid back. So please feel free to preach to me as much as you want,
I love you
Dad XXXX


I responded with this;

How many times have you 'loaned me money' and I have not paid it back.At least when you have told me not to worry about it?I have asked to borrow money many times for one thing or another and you've said you cant do it.Dont get it confused.If I owe you any money still from a previous loan it's the first I have heard about it.Or is it the selective memory coming into play?My recollection is,that IF I have owed you money in the past,I have either payed it back or you have told me not to worry about it.

I got so annoyed because of your condescending attitude and guilt party over this money that YOU yourself offered to send us a couple of weeks ago instead of the parcel.I wasn't putting any pressure on you or asking for anything out of that relhm.I know you work hard and if you read my e mail correctly you would see that I did say that I DONT begrudge you anything or judge how you spend you money ,just dont spin tales of 'hard times,redundancy and digging into your savings' and then in the next breateh tell me of your upcoming holidays and gold trips.I am not an idiot and those are two contrdicting things.A broke person does not live this way,I know coz I am one.We have different views and different deffinitions of things.I don't however being made to feel like a 12 year odl asking for hand outs.Once agian,I was only asking for what you had offered already.I don't want it.I honeslty think we'll be fine.I sent that e mail before mum stepped in.You make your choices and live you life guilt free and I 'm sure you sleep like a baby over them.It would be stupid of me to judge and put my values on your life.We are not the same person BUT I don't need the condescending tone or guilt trip.Thats why I wont ask agian.Thanks for the offer.We'll manage without your help like we always do.If it wasnt for my mother I would have starved many times over.(it's not nice when people infer things like that is it?)

Well,I hate not speaking,sulking or holding grudges so I ended this this morning by sending dad an email saying I knew it wasnt his style to sulk and that I said what I said,sorry if it upset him.(Not taking it back tho) and could we move on?

He replied with a 'yes lets,Its just hard being preached to when your old love you sweetheart,miss you!"

So thats all done,me n my dad arent good at this fighting lark!LOL

That's cool that you were able to resolve it and make sure feelings were still positive, and also still convey that you meant what you said.

I think that your Dad needs to learn that he really has a tendency to victimize himself and lay the guilt trip when he feels cornered or whatever, and that is NOT the way to go, especially to his child.

You are a good daughter, and your Dad loves you, I can tell hun, and you love him

oh good holi!!! i am so glad

grrrrr!

Why are dads so stubborn!! Glad it's sorted now.

My dad tries to throw the fact 'he's' lent me money. He hasn't at all, not a single penny. He's in charge of my Grandma's money and borrowed it from there.