Need to rant....

My husband and I have been fighting recently more and more.Not only about his in laws but about him disregarding me when we're fighting,telling me as if itwere factual,how I feel,What my intentionsarew and then not letting me deffend myself.He uses curse words when we fight calling me names which I couldnt believe in the beggning but now I do back becaause let's face it,there's only so long you can bring a knife to a gun fight.Our fights are getting nastier and nastier,not only with words but I want to him him more and more.I actually threw a box of tissues in his face last night.Ok I know,big deal,but it's not ok to feel like that.it's not healthy!

He sides with his family over me even when they are CLEARLY in the wrong and say things that hurt me.Just because of all the stuff they went through.There is no 'big family' it's 'us' and 'them' I have tried over the years but there is undeniable tension.This weekend they came over,,its hubbys 40th birthfay mid october and his mother bought him a hummer.Let me clarify before we get all 'wow that's amazing and the most generous thing ever' because that was my first reaction.Then it began to sink in,they have taken on a second car payment,they're not rich,2 women,one retired the other soon to be retired.Taking on a car payment (with bad interest for sure coz credit is not great) for about 450+ a month for a 2005 hummer for their son/grandson.

That wouldnt be an issue but what concerns me,beside us having to pay $1300 when the tires need changing or when something breaks,and adding about $100 more to our monthly insurance,but we didn't disucss it,we had no say,just like when I got bought an ENTIRE furniture set.I feel like we have no control,it's all about control and I wonder if it's buying your son thing.I mean,he's not 18.You're not buying him his first car. He earns almost twice as much as you...I just don't get it.I know they're very close,which is another reason I feel pushed out.This whole thing is not the problem but it's what triggered a massive row last night and led to him doing the usual,yelling so loud that the kids could hear (thank god they didn't) him calling me names like trick and bitch,which used to shock and hurt me,now just dissapoint me.I have told him in calmer moments that it hurts me SO deeply when he does that as I feel like he can't possibly love and or respect someone while calling them those names (and much worse)

Some of you have read the other thread about the recent intimacy problems,I believe this is why.I get hurt so badly that everytime it happens,isn't appologised for and we smooth over it and carry on,a little piece of my desire,passion and love for him dies and I can't get it back.It would be one thing if he listened and tried not to do it anymore,another if he appologised and showed remorse and acknowledged my feelings,but he never does.His family has said things to me before that have caused me to be sobbing my heart out,but then all he see's is how I reacted poorly after the fact and wanted to leave the house thus hurting his families feelings.They have a very bizarre close relationship and I would never try and come between it,but I would like to be supported,stood up for when I'm right and heard and not diregarded like a small annoying child.He also when I do eventualy loose it and let loose,blames my ranting on hotmones whatever time of the month.sometimes he's right and I'm PMSing,but right now,I am 4 days post ovulation,I know exactly where I am in my cycle and its NOT bitchy time.

No, my concerns are legitimate and rational.That's just how I feel.I have been so stunned and hurt by his words and behaviour over the years.I have reached a point today,where I told him I'm done.I don't want to be his 'wife' ,I don't feel sad,I feel quite happy to continue living like we do (he hardly ever sleeps int he bed anyway) as room mates,not only for the kids but so conveinience,we can't afford to have another house/apartment right now or have him stay in a hotel.I provide clean clothes,take care of the kids,if we each got our own house I'd have to go and get a full time job,put Teo back in school just when I feel we're making progress and put Tia-li ina daycare or pay for a nanny.

I am so emotionally exausted,it's the same fight we've been having for years and I am so tired of trying to 'figure it out' talking in circles getting more and more hurtful.I have mentioned a marriage counciller but right now.I just want to be done with it.I have had enough,I am not going to 'win' this one.I'm not going to fix things,I can't. There is a lot more to it than I can say for those who don't know,but I am too tired to go into more detail.We don't fight in front of the kids and so far they dont know anything's up! I just needed to rant.I am sure we'll figure it out one way or another.The sad thing is,it used to devestate me when we fought,I couldnt imagine life without him.Now I'm thinking I'd be just fine and sadly I dont feel sad other than for him.He's still very much up for carrying on the way things are.I'm not! Enough is enough.I guess we'll see what happens now!

oh holi! ia m so sorry!! and here i am all tore up over your hummer also i THOUGHT they just paid cash :S i am sorry! I am also really sorry this is going on with you two i wish you could just come see us and stay with us like you did last year. Blaine's fall break is Oct 11th. Yall are welcome to come and stay the week if you want to! we will buy all the food and everything! I think you would have a blast just coming to chill with us

That is really sad that you have gotten to this point BUT don't start thinking that its anything YOU did cuz its not! dont let him or anyone convince you otherwise. its emotionally exhausting to be with someone who drinks so much and who constantly puts others ahead of you! you are supposed to leave your mom and be with your wife forever when you get married...i don't understand that. i know that i am super close to my family, but not to that extent, ray comes first and so do blaine and thane. i just don't get it! I am sorry you are going thru this! i looked to see if you were on msn cuz i am actually able to sit at the computer again, without the boo monster coming to get me! but you aren't on

i hope that all this gets figured out but there is really nothing that you can do yourself, HE has to want to change i am so sorry you are having to deal with these repetitive issues. i hope you are ok. XXXXXXXXXXXX

Oh holi, I am so sorry you are going through this It's no wonder you have problems with him and intimacy with all this going on too. I wish I had more time to respond and do a really long reply but I don't right now, and I know I can't say anything that will help how you are feeling anyway. I can say that there have been many times over the past 14 years where I have felt this exact same way about BF (not about family, but about fighting and name calling and so on) and I know we aren't married but we have been together a LONG time, but we did get through it. There have been times I have wanted to throw in the towel and for us to go our seperate ways, and times where I don't want to be in the same room as him, let alone have sex with him, but we did get through it and we did work things out! I have also been where you are now where it's as if I just can't be bothered to fight anymore, like I felt the relationship wasn't worth the hassle.

I dont know hun, name calling is not right and this is an ongoing battle I have with BF too, he can say things in the heat of the moment that really hurt, and afterwards he seems to think that because it was just said to hurt me during a fight but he didn;t mean it it's all okay. I have told him so many times that it's not okay and not acceptable and he makes an effort for a while untill the next argument.

Anyway hun, just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and really hope you can work things out

Thanks guys! x

oh babe
i am so sorry that you are going through this!!!
I hope whatever happens, that you are happy and know that you will be happy again in what ver you choose to do. Love you lots and im here if you need a chat xoxoxoxo

I feel exhausted just reading about it so I hate to imagine how you actually feel babes. The worrying thing is it seems as though these arguments are getting more frequent and at least from where I am sitting it sound's like the relationship is full of so much bad energy. Something needs to happen and it needs to happen fast before it is all too late....it will just get worse and worse until there is nothing left, not even love!! I really feel for you this is just awful and I am with you on the in-considerate in-laws what a stupid thing to do, I see the thought was there BUT they didn't think how it would impact you as a family!!!! {{hugs}} I love you honey and I SO wish I could just say come and stay with us and get your head together if only it was that easy!

Holi, everytime I read things like this, my heart breaks a bit for you. I'm reminded of the alcoholic boyfriend I had when I was 19-22. Difference was, I didn't live with him, I didn't have kids with him.....and I got out. Yeah, they say those things and then beg and plead and cry about how they didn't mean it, how they'll try harder, blah blah, oh baby, blah blah. Whatever. To be blunt, nothing is probably going to get better until he hits rock bottom and starts a path to sobriety. Nothing will convince him, nothing you can do, nothing his mom/grandma can do. It's entirely on him.

I attended some Al-Anon meetings back then and one of the thing I remember to this day is that ......I cannot control his ACTIONS, but I can control my REACTIONS. Meetings are something you might look into. Your volatile fights might get violent and you don't need that, especially with the kids. And before you say, oh, he'd never hit me....I thought the same thing and the one night I chose to fight back, I got punched in the face. A few months ago, another forum friend had asked me to post a piece I once wrote about it. If you're interested, you can read it here: [url=http://www.branmuffinsworld.com/?p=338#comments]


The intimacy issues don't surprise me one bit. How you can give yourself, your body over to some freely, with trust, when he keeps hurting you from the inside out?

Thank you guys! So much for your support and kind words.Up until last night it was very much unknown.But as of today (sober,him nmot me of course LOL) we are talking,not shouting at each other.We know we both love each other and we're both each others best friend.We DO have that going for us,but there are just a few keys issues where we're both guilty of hurting the other person with our words.Yes I do it too even if it's not by name calling and Georgi you're right,the fights have been getting more frequetn and nastier! Luckily for me,I am surrounded (not only on PP and FB ) but in my more immediate friends with good peple who have all offered for me to go and stay with them! I love them and I love yo guys,no one will know how much it means to me,even if you just write back to say you read it and your sorry with no advice.I feel lie I'm always moaning and I'm so grateful you've all been and continue to be here for me!

So I have suggested some couple counsilling.FOr those issues that we just don't communicate to each other.So far he's said he will go but only after I've been for at least 2 sessions alone.I am not sure why I have to go alone right now,I thougt it was for both of us and I don't see the point in just me going*Shrug* anyway,if that's what It takles I don't have a problem... So I HOPE we can both work this out,not just for the kids but for both of us.We have had the same issues for years and been unable to bring closure to any of them.I am sure (Yes Beth) that it's not helped by the alcohol and he knows that.He doesnt feel he can change it,either way>I might go to al anon.One reason I havn't been so far is,althogu hI am sure it's immensly helpful,I went once with a friend and found myself feeling SO angry and upset out of blue from my OWN expereinces and left feeling totally depressed.I just feel I might go and feed into a negative pattern and become victimised rather than trying to move forward I am sure I would go into my mother being an alcoholic (which she's not anymore) and maybe dig up some deamons...does that make sense? I know bran muffin from the other sight and will go and read your post.I think the next step for us is this counsilor.We do still love each other and like I said the firendship/roommare part we don't have a problem with at all,it's the lover/husband/wife part thats getting in the way! Buit still it's a start.I will keep you guys posted,

Thanks once again SO much all of you for wirting back,I know it'll work out one way or another.I am eaternally greatful for all you girls! Love you so much ! xxx and most of all,know that I am always here for you too if you need me. x

Holi,

It really breaks my heart to read your post.... I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.. No one deserves to deal with any of that name calling or anything.... It just makes me so sad and for your kids too... We don't always realize how much they pick up on tension alone..... I wish I could just wrap me arms around you right now and tell you that it was all going to be ok....

I really hope that you both can work this out and get the help that is needed to make things better for yourselves and your sweet children...The bottom line you need to do what you need to do and what makes you happy... No matter what you do we are all here right beside you the whole way sweetie... If you ever need anything at all you know you can come to any of us at any time...

Love you so much hun...

Awww Holi, I think most men have issues, look at you, Nika and I, lol! We all need to get together and diss our boys, lol!

I think taking up on Ginny's offer would give you some time apart. I wouldn't even tell him where you are going, lol!! That's like when I went to see Leeaman when SO and I were having big problems. It was so nice to meet Leeaman and get my mind off things and she was sooo sweet and amazing!! I know Ginny, Ray, and the boys would keep you busy and bring another frame of mind to you.

Wish I cuold be more help, i want to give you a huge hug ((((((((((((((((HOLI))))))))))))))))))))

Love ya@
xox