Holiday Rant

Ok so the Holidays have always been my favorite time of the year. My family is close and there is always lots of food, lots of fun, and tons of stuff happening. DH's family is his mom and her husband, cooking seems to feel like a burden, and 24/7 TV entertainment. Ugh. Ok so I am accustomed to my family holiday traditions football on turkey day...big turkeys...lots of family...and lots of noise. Christmas is lots of presents...running around to see what everyone got...seeing all the cousins...etc. So it is a huge shock and loss to me to not have that. To give it up is a huge sacrifice for me and my family because they are used to me being there but we cannot do both. And I know it isn't fair to not see his family just because there is nothing to do, especially now that there is a baby in the picture. So he and I discussed before we ever got married (after a huge fight that almost ended us) that we would split the three major holidays among our family, his family, and my family (Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years) at our discretion every year and that we could chose (if we both agreed) to use our holiday to go somewhere else (to see his father for example) if so desired. Makes sense right?

So why can my MIL not grasp this and why does my dh refuse to make it clear to her that in the end we decide. (She has it in her head that we will alternate holidays back and forth.) It invokes this utter feeling of "if you don't want to agree, I just won't come at all." We are going there for Christmas...my family gets Thanksgiving which means some random weekend in Dec. we will do Christmas with my family. They are closer so weekends can be done. We cannot do weekends with his family without taking two days for traveling. So this has all been arranged for this year and I have come to terms with it (I think). So dh is talking to his mom and she says since you are coming this year for Christmas I told my job I could work next Christmas....ugh...this is what I am trying to avoid. I do not want to be stuck in a rut of every other year switching holidays. It may not always work like that and I want the built in flexibility and understanding that it is not ever written in stone. Mostly because her personality does not allow for changes and then dh feels like he is between his mother and wife and the guilt comes into play. Yes I know this is small potatoes but to me it is the only way I know how to prevent a future explosion. So I asked dh if he clarified and told his mom she should not do that in the future and re-explain our agreement. He said no he didn't want to go there and then have to hear her. So that means later when it does explode I am the bad guy because we never said anything. So I told him if it comes up while we are there that if he won't say anything I will because it is the only way I can maintain my sanity. His response was "Maybe I should tell her then." Ugh. I keep promising myself that I will never ever put my son through this. I also fear that when Isaac gets older he is going to prefer the fun lots of cousins house vs. a house with two grandparents...but I will wait to cross that bridge when I get to it.

How do you all handle holidays?

Hi sweetheart,well,all I can see is 'I feel your pain'.Let me just give you a little background so it makes more sense...;

I am from europe(Uk and France),my mother and stepfather (who ADORE my son and my step father has never met my new baby daughter).My father and the rest of my paternal family,brothers (who I am very close with) have also not met our daughter.We live in North carolina,near my husbands mother and grandma (they live together) they are his close family.They have aunts and cousins and things but no one else really does christmas together on xmas day...however they do have 2 seperarte family gatherings.One for each side of chucks grandma's family on seperate dates.Then xmas at gma and mothers house.(hubbys)As well as thanks giving and birthdays ALWAYS.

My husband came over to France,that is where we met.I agreed to go with him to the UK where he was to work for a few months.It did not work out in the UK so he had to go back to the states,we could not bear to be apart so I followed him with my son.We got married and now have to fix my son and I's papers so that we can work/have social security numbers.It's a long and expensive process.We have already paid for it but now we have to wait ,during this time we cannot travel.

This Christmas will be the third that I have not spent with my mother or father (I used to rotate).We don't celebrate thanks giving so I could care less,but christmas has always been special to me and my mum.We get up INSANELY early,drink tea,have biscuits,light a fire and then open presents.Then we cook our huge feast.Before i left we would do this together.So...my predicament is,

I said to hubby (2 years ago this began) perhaps we could alterate xmases,go to europe for one,stay here for another.He said ABSOLUTELY NOT!,I was puzzled,then he explained that he had made a promise (before we got together) that he would NEVER spend another xmas away from his gma.She is 76.My grandma is 88.I felt this was REALLY unfair.I said I am sure she would understand that you have another person in your life now and that I cant be expected to not see my family.He said,they could come over here,he would pay,whihc is ridiculous because a) my mum and dad hate each other,b) this would cost like 4,000$ which we don't have. c) they probably don't want to travel so far around xmas,it's the busiest time and not pleasent to have to come and haul gifts and things,also it's exensive and to come so far,they would have to get extra time off work.

So we fought over this,the rows got quite nasty.We remained undecided on it.Now it's obvious that I cant leave the country for a good while,perhaps a year.So either way we have to spend this xmas here.I just miss my family and want them to see/meet the new baby and my son.it's really hard.The last xmases I had to leave the room a couple of times and go to the bathroom where I sat crying.I would wash my face and come out and play happy again.It just feels like the whole thing is manipulated by 'his' gma sometimes.She complains that she hasnt seen us for ages if it's been a week.We go over once a week on sundays,sometimes more,and there is NOTHING to stop her getting a ride over here to visit in the week if she wanted.

So,right now,it's a no brainer,we have to stay here.HOwever,NEXT year,hopefully the travel ban will be lifted.THEN the problems will start.We WILL spend xmas with my family,well,me and the kids will.It willbe a nightmare travelling alone,but hubby won't leave here.I think it's unfair.I have made comprimises.But I can just hear it now."We will miss the children at xmas,why cant her faimly come over here' I'll tell you why,becase why should everyone else have to rearange their lives for your convienience.I am damn well gonna see my fmaily and they will see there granddaughter,and my grandma (hopefully) will meet her greatgrandaughter.It's unspoken but everyone misses us awfully and although they don't put presure on us ,it's an absence that is felt all through the fmaily.It's hard for me and for them.I feel resentful og the way it is.It means that soem years,I will have to be away from my hubby and the kid will miss their dad for xmas.He will miss them opening presents and be back here with his mum n gma.I think it's awful.He uses the reason that 'she might not last much longer'/Well if we all thought like that we wouldnt be together.

My mum has health problems (thyroid,weight) my stepfather has high blood preasure,my grandma is on medication for her heart,in fact most of my family have something,that could be considered serious wrong with them.His grnadma has artheritus(sp?),just had back surgery,but no known 'serious' ailments.His mum is healhty (she smokes but is ok as far as we know) Do you see what I am gettin at?It's not fair.If she was seriously ill,then I could understand but this isn't fair to me.I already live here,they get to see the kids once a week,my family is more like once a year.So...I do undertsand your predicament.I feel for you,but cannot offer any advice.I thought your deal sounded very fair.Why do familys have to mess everything up?I see so many stories like this.My MIL and GMIL are really nice,but sometimes it's just not what I feel like doing.

Oh Holi, that's awful :(

You should definitely stand your ground for next Christmas. She has to realise the world doesn't revolve around her, and that you have your own family as well. Also your husband should not be so easily pushed by them, he needs to fend for himself. My bf used to let his mum control him, now he says straight up "it's causing no harm, i'm doing it. If you don't like it tough". Some people just don't think logically and it's all me, me, me!

Aww,it's not so much that she is saying anything because we always go there.The point for him is 'he promised',I am sure she would understand,i told him that and he said,yes I am sure she would,but I gave my word.So thats the way it is!He was single though when he last said that.

Oh Angel, that is miserable. But I do hope you get to see your family even if dh will not go along. It is important for kids to know all sides. I just wish our dh's would realize what position they put us in when they are not willing to stand up and say I have my own family now and my focus has to change a little.